Micro-questions that take about as long to answer as it takes your boyfriend to come.


I’m really into anal. How worried should I be about pink-socking?

Super worried if you’re sitting on traffic cones. Super-unworried if you’re not. Next!


Does sexting count as cheating?

… Does looking at pictures of food count as eating? Say it with me: “Naahhhhh.” If nothing’s happening in real life, there’s nothing to freak out about. Let the person have their little fantasy; they’re going to have it whether they’re sexting or not. 


Can you use olive oil as lube?

Only if you love the smell of Greek food … and if you’re not using latex. Fun fact: oil dissolves latex.


Is road head safe?

Probably not, but neither is driving. However, if you’re going to get an accident, a road head mishap makes a much better story than “I was texting my cat sitter.” For the sake of the human race though, I’d suck road dick on a street where there’s the least possibility of running over grandmas or bikers who think they’re better than you just because they “use their legs to get up a hill.”


Is it safe to drink pee?

Oh for sure. It’s actually one of the safer fetishes. People drink their own piss to “stay young.” It’s very sterile if the person urinating doesn’t have an infection. It’s also said to fix acne, improve heart health and — I don’t believe this at all but — cure cancer.


Help! I can't stop queefing.



I just found out my friend's boyfriend is cheating. Should I tell her?

Only if you want to be blamed for ruining their relationship, sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong, and fueling some Dr. Phil-style drama! Not your business. Stay out of it.


My boyfriend's stubble cuts my pussy when he eats me out, but he looks so hot with it. Help?

… The fuck? How is stubble versus a bleeding vagina even a choice? Is this dude like Brad Pitt with stubble, and Steve Buscemi without it? Nothing should ever be cutting your pussy, and if it is, it can increase your risk of infection or STD transmission. If you’re so into facial hair, why not have him grow that stubble out so it’s less of a McStabby face-knife, and more of a beautiful, soft beard instead? That, or you accept Buscemi for Buscemi and let him eat you out baby-faced. There’s no in-between. Bye.


How do I tell my conservative parents that I'm pregnant?

Let your rapidly expanding belly do the talking, and then, when they question you, blame the pitfalls of the bullshit abstinence-only education program you received.

That, or show them this video.


What's your social security number? Asking for a friend …

420-69-FUCK. Jah bless.