No matter what, it seems like these 11 phenomena occur every day in the sexual battlefield that is your life.

No matter what, it seems like these 11 phenomena occur every day in the sexual battlefield that is your life.

1. Your exes only start reaching out once you're in a relationship

The minute you go from 'single' to 'less single,' you look to your exes how fresh meat looks like to starving, rabies encrusted dogs. That's when the "I miss you" texts start pouring in, despite that you and your ex haven't talked since you doused their belongings in kerosene and incinerated that shit in response to their affair with the entire state of Colorado.

2. When it rains, it pours

For the greater part of a year, your lifestyle resembles that of a shivering, wet mountain hermit, yet the moment one person shows interest in you, so do 36 others. Now, you're assigning descriptive names to all of them just to keep track of their identities. Remember; you're seeing "Arm Mole Tara" tonight, and "Loves Guacamole Tara" tomorrow.

3. Anytime you miraculously have the same kissing style as someone, you're automatically dating

In today's hyper-hookup culture where sex comes before handshakes, you know with a high degree of certainty that if someone has the same kissing style as you, that's it. That's the person you're gonna marry then divorce then re-marry. The reasoning is obvious: sex is all that matters, and compatible kissing usually equals compatible sex. There. Easy. Done.

4.They never look like their profile pic

In the world of e-dating and Tinder fucks, light has a funny way of bending in mysterious, physically impossible ways to create an image of a non-existent specimen of human perfection. Thing is, when you actually meet up with them in person, they look like themselves. And that's' a problem.

5. Ghosting is a lifestyle

It used to be that when you didn't want to see someone again, you had to explain that to them. Albeit, you could totally lie and make something up like "I am a fiery cesspool of rage" or "I'm allergic to your skin texture," but still, you kind of had to say something about it. Now, disappear yourself like an Argentinean defector in the mid-seventies. You stop texting. You unfollow their socials. You move to Korea. You adapt a local name. Cheng Zhu, for example. You're gone baby, and you're untraceable like the ghost of El Chapo.

6. You only find the person of your dreams once you're moving to the other side of the country

You've had it with the dating scene in whatever god-forsaken city your mom sends Christmas cards to, and have booked a one way ticket to the other side of the United States to start a new in a dating pool who's supposedly more "vibrant." But, three weeks before you move, the impossible happens and your goddamn soul mate falls right out from soul mate heaven into your crotch. Now you're smitten, crazy in love, and have to do the incredibly dumb and painful dance of figuring out whether you can do the long-distance thing. In the end, you end up hating the new place you're living and pining for their embrace with only the comfort of knowing you can move somewhere else to kill the loneliness keeping you from implosion.

7. The more people you sleep with, the more you wish you weren't single

Although the god-given gift of independence initially seems like you won life's lottery, you start to realize through inserting things into multiple people's holes that the majority of them really suck. After the initial excitement of singularity wears off, the realization that more people only leads to less intimacy starts to sink in, and you start masturbating to Pinterest wedding boards. You know, like the ones with Mason jars and tree lights and shit. You always want what you can't have, we guess.

8. A lot of people are into you … you're just not into any of them

"No one ever likes me back," you complain as your phone's storage becomes inundated with texts from Dan, Ted, Jared, Hank, Ryan, TJ, John and Greg asking you what you're doing later. Substitute female names for those if that statement alientated you.

9. The only dates your friends and family like are the ones you can't stand

The only reason you feel comfortable introducing them to your friends and family is to prove that you're capable of meaningful human interaction and can live out life's social scripts if you so desire. But secretly, you want to drown them in your mother's steamed pea/carrot mixture.

10. The Mermaid Effect: People become attractive the more you're around them

One day, you look over at your best friend and think " … Why is my boner pointing at you right now?" Whether it's because you're already close to them and going there would mean less work for both of you, or because they're the last man standing in a sea of your sexual conquests is irrelevant. All that matters is you now have taste for friend meat that can only be satiated by an awkward night followed by a more awkward dawn.

11. The forgotten nerds of high school always become knock outs later in life, while the hot ones morph into duds

In assessing your social network for potential lays/ zygote donors, it's become readily apparent that anyone who was an outcast or went unnoticed in high school is now the hottest human being that ever had legs and eyes. Which makes your decision about sex targets pretty, pretty easy. Plus, they all have personalities after being bullied nonstop for four years, so their extra worth the effort.