Sex in unexpected places is the best thing ever … except when those places are these ones.
Sex in unexpected places is the best thing ever … except when those places are these ones. Whether it's because trying to fuck in them causes your knees to shatter or because it's where your parents do their pilot/ flight attendant role play thing in there, these are the most overrated places to, as Cosmopolitan loves to say, "spice up your sex life."
For being so slippery and wet, water is truly nature's anti-lube. Shower water's favorite demonic daily activity is to wash away any natural lubricant your body produces (hey, ladies) so that penetration either feels like nothing, or like you're having sex wearing the world's thickest condom. And yeah, you look hot all wet and stuff if you're Denise Richards or that Aqua di Gio model, but we've seen you and unless you're really handy with special effects makeup, that is not who you look like when you're wet. You look like you just failed the Ice Bucket Challenge, and now you're about to have feeling-less sex.
Same goes for baths. Beyonce may have endeared millions to her when she sang about riding Jay Z's dick like a "surfbort" in the tub, but we both know that's a free ticket to knee injuries and dick bruises. But they're rich so maybe they have a sex tub.
2. Parent's bedroom
We're not sure what compels sex-havers to return to the scene of the crime, which in this case was their conception, but we guess that's one way to work out your mommy issues.
Only problem is your parents, being the robust sexually-active sexagenarians they are, have sex there. And who knows with how much difficulty; your dad is pushing 70 so you don't even want to imagine what type of stimulation your mom needs to provide in order for him to perk up. You mom is menopausal, so the sheets are undoubtedly soaked in the remnants of estrogen gel and and lube. And, they've been married for 30-something years, so there's a good chance that locked box under the bed isn't where they're keeping your Christmas presents …
Pools are just giant urinals that people dive into. They're also the premiere place to be when you want to submerge yourself in chlorine, come into contact with blood-soaked floating Band-Aids, and experience what it's like to wash yourself with the same water that just washed around that dude's balls.
We can definitely see the attraction of pool sex; you're pretty much naked, the water distorts people's views of what you're doing down there, and some people look hot wet. But none of that seems worth tainting the beautiful act of sex with other people's urine and sloughed-off taint cells.
4. Backseat of your 2005 Toyota Camry
Yeah, we know it gets good gas mileage relative to military tanks and eighteen-wheelers, but you know what doesn't get good mileage? Your body, because you're cramped up like a stripper in a giant birthday cake, waiting to pop out.
The easiest position is probably girl-on-top, but she can never really establish a good up-and-down flow because her cranium is constantly getting crushed by the roof of the car. You can switch it up and move to the backseat for missionary or doggy, but being that this model of vehicle was built for economy, not sexual gymnastics, only half of your body fits on the seat. Because of that, the guy's gotta come in from an angle, and all the thrust capacity is quite literally thrust upon his one leg that's not jammed into the seat cushion. It's hot and reckless until the muscles in that leg begin to quiver and die a slow, painful death. Amputation becomes the only viable option.
… However, if you have an SUV and can lay the back seats down … that shit is golden.
5. The beach
Beach sex is great if what your genitals need is extreme exfoliation by sand. Or, maybe you needed some seagulls to pluck the crabs out of your pubes?
Well, at the very least, the salt water will disinfect you sand wounds and the rotting seaweed will provide sustenance for you as you take turns fighting the death grip of rip tide.
Just try to do this without flipping the hammock. We dare you.
7. Airplane bathroom
If you can get away with it, you deserve to be the ruler of a small Southeastern Asian fantasy island. If you don't, you'll be the ruler of toilet wine in prison. The risk-reward ratio is so skewed that it verges on the side of overrated, but again, with some conveniently-placed turbulence and some jaded flight attendants, it could be the hottest thing ever. Reward yourselves with peanuts.
8. Your childhood room
There are few things more arousing than memories of finding out Santa Claus was a lie and ripping your loose teeth out so you could get tooth fairy flow … and by "few" we mean everything.
9. The floor
Unless your floor is made of memory foam, and it's not, your 70s linoleum kitchen or carpeted apartment bedroom is going to make mince meat out of your knees, hips or lower back. Sure, you don't mind a little pain now and then, and the fact that it sort of hurts is even hot (you want each other so badly that you couldn't even wait to go somewhere that doesn't crush your skeleton), but you'll ask yourself if it was worth it the next day when you step into the office looking like you got in an elevator with Ray Rice.
The actual sex that happens in a gondola is totally hot; the urgency and the fact that you're giving every family passing by you an excuse to have the sex talk with their children is great; it's the pre-sex that blows. Stripping off the 14 layers of thermal underwear you're rocking after using all the available ATP in your body to shear off your 25-pound snow pants is energetically depleting and time consuming; by the time you get to the top of the mountain, you're still working on tearing your body loose from your bindings and that's when a group of Japanese tourists and weirdly aroused German ski instructors get in with you …
11. Bar bathroom
The whole "I want you so bad I'm willing to fuck you in this shit-covered hotbox" thing can be hot, but what's not so hot is when the graffiti-ed words, "Let your farts out like little whispers" is in your direct line of view as your face gets pressed agains the stall wall. Likewise when you see the words "Born: February 21, 2015" and realize that this stall has been the birthplace of a toilet baby too many …