Why are you like this?

Men get all the credit for being the simpler sex, but the reality is that they're every bit as much a mystery as how it's possible The Big Bang Theory is still on air.

Which is to say, highly mysterious.

Yet, while it's easy to chip away at the male enigma with a little polite questioning, there are still some burning inquiries women have about the opposite gender that we aren't totally cozy asking.

Here are some of the more embarrassing questions women have about men that we won't be asking with anything less than a bottle of wine in our system. Feel free to answer them at will.

1. What do you do with your balls?

Where the fuck do they go? How do you ride bikes? How have you not sheared them off by now? Do they ever touch your poop?

And why are they everywhere? It's like every time we flinch in bed, you double over and scream "MY BAAAALLLLLS!" We could be in another state, make a wrong move, and still end up brutalizing your balls. Help us help you: tell us everything you know about balls and tell us now.

2. Why don't you want to try prostate massage?

Why are you so ashamed of your butt? Why are you depriving yourself of more powerful orgasms? To us, that's like saying "We can have sex, but DON'T TOUCH MY CLIT."

Does every man undergo some sort of butt-shaming ritual that teaches them the anal cavity is only for excretion and hamster play?

3. Why does it take you so long to poop?

We ate the exact same thing you did, but it just … came out. Meanwhile, we're not sure if we should call you an ambulance, or …

4. How can you get a boner and not be horny at the same time?

Your underwear looks like a small architectural rendition of D.I.A. but you don't want a blowjob … riddle us that.

5. Fedoras: why?

Maybe if you're a Cherry Poppin' Daddy but you ain't.

6. Why are you surprised when women are funny or smart?

We say one funny or smart thing, and suddenly we're "not like the other girls." Thing is, we're exactly like the other girls. All of us are hilarious and intelligent, we just chose not to reveal that to you because you'll instantly fall in love with us and we'll have to change our phone number again. There are only so many times we can request Verizon assign us "something that ends in "FUCK," you know? Only 1,000 numbers in our area code that can end with 3835? Don't mess with that.

7. Why do you honk our boobs?

Sorry, they used to squeak like a dog toy, but the little sound recorder inside them is out of batteries.

8. Why do you consider a woman a tease if she doesn't sleep with you after three dates, but a slut if she sleeps with you on the first date?

Give us a break — it's a historical wonder that we're even talking to you. Plus, you fucked us at the same time we fucked you, so if we were as petty as you are, we could say the exact same thing about you.

9. Why do you lose interest in us after we finally start to like you?

Six months after you won't leave us the fuck alone, you finally start to chip away at our icy hearts and we consider you sexually for one second, and poof – you're out. Did you really just have six months to waste? What is your job?

10. We skipped shaving today. Did your world crumble at your feet?

Do you need a recommendation for a good psychotherapist? Is your PTSD from our vagina stubble manageable? What are your trigger words?

Is it really that disappointing, or are you more just happily surprised when we do it?

11. Do you actually think we look better without makeup?

So, you're telling us that the two hours, $35 dollars, and intense surgical precision we've employed to get our faces to look like this was a waste of time? We could have just woken up and brushed our teeth and you'd still want to talk to us? This is a complete and total innovation. We cannot believe this.

12. Do you want to have sex or what.

Look. We've been talking for like five minutes/hours/days/weeks/decades now, and we're sick of playing this game. Do you want to fuck or not?