It's important to recognize the signs and symptoms of the American sexual dry spell before it's too late … here's how.
Gone unrecognized, sexual dry spells can lead to tragic conditions like fierce unibrows, unplanned pregnancies and unhealthy relationships with one's cats, so it's dire to recognize the signs and symptoms of the American sexual dry spell before it's too late. Here are 13 ways how.
1. They've gotten to know their cat better than any human has ever known a beast
If they start saying things like, "My cat and I have never been this close," run.
2. Their bed is never made
Every time you go their house, their room looks like a Category 5 hurricane swooped in from the Atlantic and hit only their room. There is detritus and carnage in every corner, but they give zero fucks because no one's seeing it anyway. It takes years of therapy to erase those images from your mind …
3. They Jekyll and Hyde you
Their mood changes faster than the weather report as they go through manic/depressive mood swings that have them screaming at you one minute and furiously writing down their alien conspiracy novella the next. Even the most benign questions are met with a snap, but when you call them out on it they just start weeping. You consider calling an escort …
4. They really want to know about your sex life
Suddenly, they've taken an unnatural interest in the gory details of your sexcapades and listen wide-eyed and mouth agape as you regale them with tale of what seems like the most mundane sexual encounters. As soon as you hear, "What's their taint like?" … you know.
5. They're birth control free
They stopped taking their pills months ago, removed their IUD, picked off their patch, forgotten where they put their condoms, and immersed themselves in a dangerous game of Catholic roulette.
6. Their body hair game is off the charts
You've never seen such a forest in your life, and you start to wonder if lumber companies will turn to your friend once they deforest the Amazon …
7. You've stopped asking them about their sex life
It's like asking if the sky is still blue or something …
8. When you type in the letter "Y" on their URL bar, the first thing that comes up is "YouPorn"
Well, at least you know their junk still works …
9. They're always down to hang out with you
2 a.m. on a Tuesday? Sure. Come over. They've got nothing else going on.
10. When a sex scene comes on in the movie, they just put their face in their hands and scream
There doesn't even have to be actual sex going on, even a flirty glance or a moment of sexual tension can lead to agonized shrieking.
11. They've seen Netflix's entire catalog
They're an expert on every TV show and every movie that Neflix has to offer. You wonder how they possibly have time to reach that level of cinematic expertise, but then you remember …
12. They start referring to themselves as the "child" of you and your partner
The term "third wheel" has long exhausted itself and now they've upgrading to fulfilling the role of "adopted child" for your partner and you. Now that you think about it, you do eat every meal with them, take them to movies, and occasionally sing them to sleep when they're crying about dicks …
13. They'll go on one of Rooster's blind dates