You know how they say rules are made to be broken? Well, we just made a rule that these 15 people are not allowed anywhere near Tinder for the next millennia, for reasons that will become apparent as you scroll down. That rule, ladies and gentlemen, is made to be unbroken, like a wild stallion.

You know how they say rules are made to be broken? Well, we just made a rule that these 15 people are not allowed anywhere near Tinder for the next millennia, for reasons that will become apparent as you scroll down. That rule, ladies and gentlemen, is made to be unbroken, like a wild stallion.

1. The Newlywed


Ah, the married chick; the cruel and beautiful temptress that beckons you to help soil her marital vows through app-facilitated sex. What is she doing there? Who is she looking for? Is she desperate for friends? Does she get off on guys that get of on her husband getting off on her? What is the meaning of life?

To be clear,  there's no acceptable scenario for having Tinder if you're married. Not because that would be cheating; please. We’re all adults here. It’s because you’re ultimately unattainable, and that’s deleterious to the hearts of yearning young men and women who have a taste for forbidden fruit. You’re like a mirage; a delicious desert oasis that doesn’t actually exist, and that makes you a meany-pants.

Not to mention having Tinder photos in your wedding dress is absurd. Show us what you really look like, not what you look like doing your best impression of a Q-Tip.

2. The person currently being mauled by a ravenous dude


Whether people like this are single, in a relationship, married, divorced, or whatever else, we can assure you of one thing –  99.9% of people are definitely less likely to talk to you if you're being sexually sucked into the face of a strange man like a planet into a black hole. Unless they're into some freaky cuckold shit, Tinder people aren’t looking for fuck buddies who are clearly, and sloppily already having sex as we speak.

3. The Vampyre

Okay, so  you like Twilight or Warm Bodies or whatever. But guess what? Daylight exists and so do stakes through the heart. And you’re gonna get both of them if you don’t stop with this Tinder vampirism.

No, you cannot suck our blood. No, we don’t want to live with you in an underground grotto of sin. No we’re not okay with immortality. Sometimes a person just wants to take a rest … eternally.  And we’d like to take a rest from you.

Plus, even if you find a person who’s into vampire stuff, he’s probably going to want you to suck more than just his blood. And with those teeth, that sounds like a medical emergency.

4. The Suicide Risk

If you're so miserable that you're sobbing in your Tinder photo, what does that say about how you'll respond when a dude asks to take you on a date and expects you to go splitzies?

The only possible way this could work is if you find someone who also cries during sex and the two of you can crymax together. Sob, sob, cum, cum, Prozac.

5. The Life Aquatic

You’re more than allowed to be on Tinder with a seafood profile picture if you include the line “I’m going to go down on you like the Titanic,” but in the absence of that witticism, no. You’re not permitted. We’re not picky, but we do have some standards, which include, but are not limited to …


  1. Breathing air
  2. Not laying eggs
  3. Not tasting delicious when covered in tartar sauce and lemon

6. Pole Dance Paula

We’re sure strippers get right-swiped with feverish regularity, and we’re sure T-Pain wasn’t lying when he “Fell in Love with a Stripper.” But we’re also sure that you are both the 15th person said stripper has dated this week, and that she’ll beat your ass if you try to pay for dinner with quarters.

7. The Oversharer

Honesty is a man’s best friend aside from dogs and Ben Mathers from elementary school, but there are just some things that are better to wait until the second date to reveal.

8. The Self-Sabotage 

Not everyone looks like Ryan Gosling or Adriana Lima and that’s A-OK, but in the incredibly superficial milieu of Tinder, you might as well put your best foot forward and use photos that show your good angles. You know, like your prettiest chin, or your more contoured love handle.

So if you've got a body with a little "more to love," you're probably best served to use literally any photo other than one in which you're scarfing down ambiguous fried things.  No more soup or Tinder for you. 

On a related note, don’t say you love “lax” (Los Angeles International Airport?) or that you just graduated medical school when you’re brandishing a powdered donut. That's wrong and you know it.

9. The person who’s too sexy to be human, let alone date other humans on Tinder


Conversely, there are some people out there who do look like Victoria's Secret models and Ryan Gosling. But these people? They do not need Tinder.

These people are also catfishing you as we speak. You’re a very nice boy or girl, but there is no way that the person below is talking to you on a dating app because they’re genuinely interested in the fact that you “love mountains” and are “new in town, just looking to meet some cool people.”

10. The Illiterati

Hey now, we can’t all be Einsteins, but if you can’t figure out how to spell “Utah,” you are not fit to sleep with us then wake up to an cold empty bed because we’ve snuck off in the night like sexual escape artists.

Also, if your lexicon includes stating that people have "crap heads," you're really not coming across like someone who knows not to microwave tin foil.

11. The Humanitarian

The humanitarian Tinder specimen has become so prevalent that there's an entire website devoted to it. People really want to highlight what fantastic, genuinely good people they are. And here are loads of people on Tinder – a disproportionate amount compared to society as a whole – who really love helping African orphans and refugees from war-torn countries.

That’s great. Really great. But Tinder is a split-second game. A well-lit bikini shot is going to result in many more right swipes than that photo of you celebrating Songkran with your host family in Nakhon Sawan.

12. People named Arley

It’s so close to “Marley” that it’s unforgivable.  Nice bio, though.

13. The Beggar

Tinder might be a way for people to meet sugar daddies, but it is not Ladies like the one below are fighting a losing battle, and here's why. There's only two ways that someone can interpret your profile: 1) You have no intention of dating anyone, and are just asking for money, or 2) You want money and you're going to fuck people to get it. So, either you're a destitute or a prostitute, or some other word that ends in “-tute.”

14. No comment

You’re not allowed on Tinder … but you’re definitely allowed in the comforting embrace of our strong arms.

To contact Ascher Robbins, the creator of this piece of Tinder legislation, email