… and actually kind of loving it.

Winter is coming, so of course we all reach for the thing closest to us to try and stay warm. For some, it’s another person; ‘Tis the season of new relationships, proposals, and baby making for the really unfortunate after all …

On the other hand, for some of us single people. We’re staying warm with a leopard-printed Snuggie our nana got us for Hannukah two years ago, a pint of Seagram’s 7, and last night’s spaghetti leftovers — Italian food is always better day two.

See? Being single ain’t so bad. Get ready for these encouragingly bittersweet moments to hit you during your 100 years of solitude.


1. When your Tinder lines become increasingly desperate and you start a conversation by telling the dentistry student with the pretty smile that you can “think of a cavity that needs filling.” But you’re also partially being serious because you really do have a cavity in your back left molar that needs filling. 1-800-PLZ-HELP.

2. When you’re sick because you were too stubborn to get the flu shot and it’s up to you and only you to make yourself chicken soup, administer meds and apply Vic’s Vapor Rub to your dying bod. Guess whose turn it is to clean the puke pot out!

3. When it’s move-in day at school and you notice girls are dating Crossfit firefighters who casually lift their Pottery Barn bed frames with only one hand, while simultaneously holding a golden retriever puppy with the other. Where did those assholes come from? Meanwhile, you’ve decided to just live outside because you can’t get your dresser up the stairs. It’s fine, plenty of people do this.

4. When your vibrator dies on what was about to be the fifth orgasm of the morning and you’re stuck polishing the pearl by hand. Give the trusty pal a break every now and again if you want him to last.

Alternatively for males: when your Pocket Pussy tells you that you should see other people …

5. When you crawl into the backseat of a Lyft summoned at 7 a.m. because you’ve gotta get to work on time. Your sex and stale beer perfume takes up the majority of the space in the backseat but hey, it’s hard being a bedroom vixen by night and a boutique barista by day.

6. When almost all of your friends have serious boyfriends and girlfriends and your Friday nights start to consist of solo Netflix and cuddling with your dog … or third wheeling it for the seventeenth time this week. But, at this point, they’ve started to take pity on you and pay for your drinks. There are worse things in life.

7. When you buy a one-pound wedge of Brie, two bottles of wine, three baguettes, and then joke with the cashier that it’s for a dinner party — but really you go home and finish it all in one fell swoop. That’s right cashier, you’ve been PUNK’D.

8. Just any and all holidays. Especially when you’re dining solo at a Chinese buffet, trying to tell your parents over the phone that you like spending holidays alone — 'it’s less stressful’ — while single handedly shoveling orange chicken in your mouth only to have the plate topple onto your lap. Wheee! At this point, you’re sadder than Tiny Tim.

9. When your mom starts asking if you and your female roommate are more than just roommates because over the past 36 weeks, your Instagrams have contained nothing but picture of you two, wearing sweatpants and chunky sweaters, running a soap-making business out of your basement.

10. When NFL season rolls around and you see a million Instagram posts of girlfriends and boyfriends dressed in matching broncos gear, tailgating before taking their seats at the 40-yard line. Sure it looks fun, but you know they fought for parking, probably got ticketed, walked three miles, paid $13 for a beer, and got in a fight because bae wanted to leave early to fuck, but other bae is trying to concentrate on the game. Instead of doing this awful dance, you get to watch KUWTK marathon all day long in your underwear.

11. When you run into your ex and their new fling at Jimmy John’s post-frat party and you’re in sweats and they look like they just got dressed for a quincenera. You’re buying two sandwiches because you can’t decide between the Italian Nightclub or the Turkey Tom. They’re sharing one because they’re watching their stupid waistlines. Bonus: now it makes you look like you’re going home to someone but you don’t have to share.

12. When waking up to your only two furry cuddle-buddies, a half-eaten Taco Bell still in its wrapper and the remote control — you triumphantly reach for them all and accept your fate.

13. When you’ve gone on a few semi-successful dates and end up bringing one back home only to realize you have to hold your farts in until morning or make up some weird excuse to go outside at 2 am. You “just want to check and see if it’s windy” or you “thought you saw your dad out there.”

14. When you haven’t done laundry in two weeks and have no more clean underwear, but decide to just flip it inside out because you’re the only one that has to deal with that zone for the foreseeable future. Plus, you’re saving water. You’re welcome, California.

15. When you finally think you’ve found ‘the one’, or at least the one to warm your bed during the long winter months, only to find out he still lives with his parents/frequents Comic Cons and knows all the cosplayers by name. That, or she bleeds spray tan juice on your sheets every time she stays over and made you get a restraining order against your sister on account of her female gender.

Or the truly unfortunate for both genders … refuses to perform oral sex. Bye forever.