Blowjobs and Rattlesnake Tears Hot Sauce do not mix …
Our 20s are for throwing caution to the wind while experiencing wild things for good stories to tell our grandkids when we've had too much Sherry at Christmas dinner. But although it's a time for experimentation and being a total idiot, it's also the time when we learn the most about our favorite leisurely sport: sex.
1. Always use a condom … unless you’re in a long, monogamous relationship, on birth control, or you're dying to squirt a screaming blob from either your or your partner's inner body cavity. Since we’re young, let’s just be on the safe side. Always use a condom.
2. Sex feels way better without a condom.
3. Gonorrhea was named as such just to scare us. It definitely sounds like a lost biblical city or flesh eating disease, and it’s definitely undesirable, but shit, there are pills for it. Go get it taken care of before you pretend to enjoy that next episode of Making a Murderer.
4. Small talk at the free health clinic is woefully discouraged. Most people are in there waiting for pregnancy test results, HIV counseling or discounted herpes meds. You’re only there for free birth control so try not to act too chipper.
5. People are into some weird shit but you should give almost everything a try at least once. How else will you know that you’re staunchly against nipple clamps/pegging? Or that it's the greatest thing that ever happened to you?
6. Exploration with the same sex is totally acceptable. Figure it out now before you’re married with three children and suddenly find yourself in a mid-50s identity crisis.
7. Don’t film yourself. You will look like two (or more) amorphous blobs rubbing up against each other and are bound to turn yourself off for the next few days. You’re no porn star.
8. Even if you have one committed sexual partner, you will still find yourself thinking about what sex would be like with that middle-aged crossing guard you see every morning on the way to work. It’s human.
9. Period sex is not as orgasmic as Cosmo makes it sound. It can look like the end of any Game of Thrones episode ever, involves lots of laundry detergent, and blood where you never ever want blood, like the headboard of your rented bed or on your cat from when you lovingly shoved her off the bed mid coitus.
10. Sex in a relationship with someone you love isn't any better or worse than a one-night stand or a fuck buddy. It's all just sex and sometimes it sucks and sometimes it rules.
11. The morning-after pill is expensive and, if luck has it, you’re most likely buying it with last night’s make up under eye, smelling of booze. But don’t be embarrassed to ask for it and definitely don’t be too cheap to get it because rearing a child is way more costly. Eventually, the pharmacist will know your order before you even open your mouth, saving you valuable time and painful hangover conversation.
12. Withdrawal works … often.
13. A one night stand is nearly impossible in this day and age. You probably will see them again because Denver or Boulder or wherever you live is fucking small. It will be after you stayed up until 4 in the morning, popped a huge forehead zit in your rear-view mirror and ate peppered-kale chips that now reside mostly between your front teeth. Or you’ll see them engaged on Facebook a short 2 months after you insisted on making this one night stand FB official.
14. Don’t try to recreate what you see in porn — i.e. Bukkake, footjobs, attempting to seduce your friend’s mom. But anything that involves baby oil is totally cool. Try all of that.
15. Avoid any spicy foods if oral sex is in your near future. It’s not fun. Showering off doesn’t work and standing in your dirty apartment tub pouring milk on your crotch is a sure fire way to kill the mood.
16. Stay away from anal stuff until you’ve come to full terms with any and all bodily functions. Basically, if you can’t fart in front of each other you shouldn’t be risking unplanned ass play.
17. Any kind of illegal fetish stuff can be fun but should be avoided until you know they won’t turn you in if you hit them with your car during a traffic accident fetish. Adrenaline junkies can be really fun until you find yourself paintballing nude on a Wednesday morning.
18. Body hair and age are congruent. The older you are, the more you’ll enjoy stroking your lover’s garden of Eden while falling asleep and the less you’ll enjoy hooking up with the hairless nineteen-year-old valet.
19. Just because someone buys you dinner or drinks doesn’t mean you have to sleep with them. If they expect it, then they’re an asshole. Now you get to go home, belly full of bacon wrapped figs and watch Nurse Jackie with reckless abandon.
20. Online dating apps are really just a way to expedite finding someone you want to sleep with. If other stuff comes after that, go you. If it’s just sex with a hot fireman who knows every line from Top Gun then so be it.