Sex at the Mo-tel, Ho-tel, Holiday Inn …

The results are in, and science has confirmed what we’ve all suspected: sex in hotels is way, way better than sex at home.

But it’s not the pure ecstasy wrought by the tiny bottles of conditioner or the knowledge that, any any time, you could have a club sandwich delivered to your quivering lips; instead, hotel sex gets its allure from the novelty of being in a new place.

Ian Kerner, a licensed psychotherapist and sex counselor, explains:  “The novelty of the hotel room is going to stimulate dopamine transmission in the brain, which pays a big role in arousal and sexual excitement.”

Well, Ian … that’s great, really, but we can think of a few more reasons why hotel sex is the best sex of all the sex:


Let’s face it, having sex with roommates around or in an echoing apartment building is pretty awkward. After a few months in a new complex people can match the orgasmic moans, animalistic grunts and breathy heaves to each tenant in the building.

Who wants to be known as the ‘screaming bloody-murder orgasm girl’ or the ‘snarling jizz goblin in 2B’?

No one.

In a hotel, everyone and everything is unknown. You’ll never see the other guests and they’ll never see you. More importantly, they’ll never know you’re safe word and simply associate it with you as the two of you check the mail in the common area silently.

It’s an actual room

Unlike our cramped, overpriced, multipurpose living quarters, a hotel is an actual fabled room of the adult realm. It’s like a picture right out of a magazine. No versatile milk crate bookshelf organizer aesthetic, no coffee tables covered in ring marks and weed ash, no slightly bent leftover lamps from previous roommates. There are 1,000 thread count sheets with matching pillow cases. Remarkable.

Plus, when it comes to sex, a warm lush blanket is much more inviting than fucking on your boyfriend’s ‘Alf’ themed comforter again …

No distractions

It’s a room with a bed in it. It’s pretty straightforward.

Unlike being stuck at home, in a hotel room it’s easy to stray from the normal routine of checking Facebook or worrying about work that needs to be done. Without the normal distractions and everyday humdrum habits, sex might happen as an actual stimuli-driven, moment of carnal desire rather than something we hastily squeeze in between episodes of ‘Scrotal Recall.’

Plus, the “room with a bed in it” concept makes it overwhelmingly obvious that you are there to fuck. You sure as shit didn’t come there to take advantage of the free cable (13 channels, wow!) or to bask in the chlorine smell wafting from the pool area; you have one job and one job only to focus on, so it streamlines your attention right where it should be. That’s a freedom no home sexcapade can offer.

Room service

So the deed is done. You’re both satisfied (hopefully) and you’ve each put on those plush embroidered robes and order from the room service menu. Unlike simply having Jimmy John’s or a pizza delivered at home (for the 1,000th time), room service is delicious, faster and there’s no clean-up. Put the dishes outside the door and that’s that. It disappears. Hotel magic.

Anyway, here’s a video of R. Kelly dressed up like the ghetto Lone Ranger singing about hotels: