Camping sex poses some unique challenges …but we’ve got some unique solutions.

The great outdoors are great for a lot of things, but not always for sex. From the lack of hygiene to the ever­circling vultures stalking your site, sex while camping poses some special obstacles. But never fear; we’ve compiled a guide for you that has some equally special solutions to these problems, so you can treat Mother Nature to a little show in style.

Problem: No condoms for miles

So, you’re all hot and bothered and now you want to have premarital coitus like the sinner you are. Well, if you’re short a pack of condoms or want to feel really close to nature, don’t worry: Mother Nature’s got birth control options. For starters, look for some Queen Anne’s Lace. Widely considered to be an invasive weed, this lacy white flower has been used for centuries to avoid unwanted pregnancy. Eat the root (which is actually a mutant variety of carrot) and the seeds within 24 hours of unprotected camping banging; the compounds contained in them initiate menses so a fertilized egg can’t implant and grow into something you have to take to badminton practice eight years down the line. You can find it growing all over Colorado in fields, meadows, waste areas, roadsides and disturbed habitats.

Problem: Haven’t showered in days

There’s no denying that certain human smells are enough to sterilize the mood, and nowhere are these smells more odorously omnipresent than when camping. To freshen up before you get dirty again, make a saltwater mix and swish it around your mouth to kill the noxious old-beer­and­hot­dog taste. Chewing on sage, which grows everywhere in this place, also works for that. For more southernly smells, a little sponge bath in the river or some collected rain water never hurt anyone, but let’s be real: You’re three miles outside of Boulder and you’re sleeping in your Land Rover … just bring moist towelettes. Never forget the towelettes. They’re tiny and lightweight and cheap; no reason why you can’t pack a few in your wallet or backpack in case you meet a devastatingly attractive Yeti. Plus, you can use them to clean up after. Everyone wins.

Problem: Your friends are sleeping three feet from your face

If you’ve got a down sleeping bag or you’ve ever been inside a tent, you know they’re loud as hell. This can be unfortunate if there’s about to be a slew of slurping and smacking sounds emanating from your tent, so you need a quiet position that doesn’t involve a lot of jerking and general hullabaloo. Best advice? First, lay a blanket down under your sleeping back so the material of the tent floor doesn’t make noisy friction with the bag as you move. Then, unzip your sleeping bag to create a blanket, then put another cotton blanket over that. All this layering absorbs sound and limits people’s visibility of your motion. And as for the position? Side­by­side is the easiest to get away with when there are other people in your tent … it just looks like you’re enthusiastically spooning. Avoid the rookie mistake of leaving your flashlight on and treating everyone to an x­rated shadow porn.

Problem: You’re sleeping on rocks, spiders and haunted native bones

Nature sex is one thing, but camping sex is another. Chances are you’re in a tent like the civilized homo sapien you are, so spare no expense when it comes to comforts of the sexual variety. Splurge on an inflatable mattress or a sleeping pad that takes care of business. If that’s too hefty, grab a sleeping bag, fold it in half as many times as you need to so that the rocks under the tent don’t destabilize your patella, and put it under whatever body parts are connected to the ground. Lastly, citronella candles placed around the perimeter of the tent should keep a majority of the bugs away from your bare butt so you don’t come back looking like the first human case of Bubonic plague since the Dark Ages. Plus, the candles give a sensual mood lighting, which is really helpful if you’re surrounded by bears.