Not quite, but almost!

Look around you, you guys. We live in Colorado. Isn't it pretty?

We bet you're asking yourself this question right now: "What are some things I can do with my lover in this beautiful land that are on par with butt stuff?"

Luckily for your inquisitive minds, our state is enchanting in the summer. Thanks to the abundance of both outdoor and indoor activities, summer romance here is pretty damn exciting for young lovers. In fact, it's truly almost exciting as butt stuff.

Not quite that exciting, but hey, almost there.

1. Craft beer pub crawl


Downtown Denver is brimming with world-renowned craft beer establishments. Why not explore all they have to offer together?

Tour all of the cities tastiest delights through a guided tour or on your own with this map. Soon you'll be on your way to whetting your whistle with the one you love while you try not to think about the miracle of assplay. We're sure you two can find a brew as heady and strong as your love, or at the very least, as frothy things can get when you and Amanda really go at it.

2. Farmer's market dinner for two

Photo: BCFM/Evan Semon for Westword

During the summer, Colorado is awash with hundreds of farmers markets that offer fresh produce just waiting to be cooked into a romantic dinner for two. Picking out fresh kale and artisanal radishes together isn't a finger up your butt or anything, but it's pretty thrilling!

3. Fire tower hike

Pretty much the only thing that can compare to the exhilaration of seeing a 360 degree view of Colorado from its only working fire tower after a physically challenging hike up a mountain is analingus — but you'll forget about that once you're up there. The serene views and exciting isolation will spirit you away and send your senses into overdrive, much like the welcome surprise of a wet tongue that adventures like Sacagawea into uncharted territory. The perfect option for adventurous couples who like a challenge, like say, exploring the non-reproductive entryways of each other's bodies.

More info here!

4. See a bike-in movie at Civic Center Park

Photo: Bike League

We'd never dream of comparing biking to the carnal ecstasy of prostate massage, but since your butt is the focus of both, we're sure you'll love this one.

All through August, the Civic Center Conservancy invites cycling enthusiasts, as well as pedestrians and people who just bought a small butt plug on Amazon, to spend an evening of film and romance in Civic Center Park (Broadway and Colfax Ave.). The event is free, and bike racks will be available. Picnics are welcome … just remember to toss that salad after you get to the park. Details here.

5. Red Rocks show

Photo: Travel Joint

Probably the only time you'll be breathing harder than at the pinnacle of anal entry is when you're walking up Red Rock's infamous 13,304,974 stairs to see a Sting concert. And with Red Rocks' Summer 2016 lineup looking fierce, a show on those hallowed grounds is bound to bring you closer together with your partner in ways that involve less lube and meal planning. The only question is … which gorgeous outdoor concert will you choose to set the mood you're trying to create? And why is Chad not in your butt right now?

Ughhh. Soon. Just get through this Devotchka concert first …