First dates suck … Unless you know what to look for. Here are five things to watch out for so you don't end up wishing a meteor would hit your house with fiery wrath while their in-laws are over for the holidays.

First dates suck … Unless you know what to look for. Here are five things to watch out for so you don't end up wishing a meteor would hit your house with fiery wrath while their in-laws are over for the holidays.

1. They drink like it’s their last day on Earth

Flags: 5
Non-mutual heavy drinking on a first date is a pretty good sign that they use alcohol as a crutch — either to appear like they have a personality or to calm themselves down when they’re nervous. Neither of those things foreshadows happiness and a blissful absence of domestic dispute charges.Then there’s the whole definition of “heavy drinking.” The word “heavy” is subjective to your own interpretation, so if they’re drinking too much for you personally, it’s a pretty good sign you can either call it a one night stand or never call again.

2. They one-up you at every turn

Flags: 2
If your conversation is filled with name-dropping and grandiose tales of their achievements, ask yourself if it’s their poop you want to be cleaning off the dining room linoleum in 40 years … unless you want their response to be “Oh, you’re cleaning poop right now? My friend Lady Gaga cleaned up my shit once at this Oscar party where Bruce Willis looked me in the eyes.” One-upping you is a good indication that they’re thinking more about how they come across to you and less about who they actually are — something that’s not only ingeniune, but also points that they don’t have a good grasp on the things that actually mean something in relationships.

3. You’re having a threesome with their phone

Flags: 4
If your date is on their phone more than they’re on you, either they’re not listening to anything you say or they’re texting their friends a physical description of you in case you don’t come home on time. Either way, if they’re more invested in beating their ex at Trivia Crush to prove a mutated sense of authority than they are in getting to know you, it’s pretty clear that they’re more into themselves than they are others … which is fine if you run a masturbation webcam out of your local public library, but bad for relationships.

4. They share too much too fast

Flags: 4
Knowing how much personal information to reveal is an art; it takes mastery and forethought, two qualities that are hot as hell in a potential mate. But when they reveal that the reason why they’re in Colorado is because their psychotherapist’s mob uncle got them fired from their job at the pet cemetary over an argument about what kind of chocolate is the best, and their left testicle still hasn’t descended and mommy does their laundry … that’s when you know to dine and dash.

5. They complain

Flags: 3
The spicy chicken fajitas are too chicken-y. There aren’t enough ice cubes in the ice water. They don’t like that you’re sitting near a dog. You didn’t shave your pubes into an appreciable form of pubic hair sacred geometry. They’ve had better sex with their cousin. The list goes on. If you find yourself on a date with a complainer, it’s a pretty glaringly obvious sign that they’re both uptight and have unattainable and ridiculous standards. If they can’t just relax and get to know you, revert to Plan B: fake appendicitis.

You Know They’re a Keeper When …

  • They order 48 chicken wings … for themselves.
  • They enthusiastically understand your obscure Tim & Eric reference.
  • They know what “lugubrious” means.
  • They have the mental capacity to prefer Coke over Pepsi.
  • Your friends want them as a friend.
  • They’re nice to waiters and their mamas.
  • You don’t have to help them parallel park.
  • Their dog doesn't hump you but humps people you hate.
  • When you want pizza at 3 a.m. they get you pizza at 3 a.m.
  • You look at each other during the movie and exchange no words, then walk out, then go to the bar.
  • No gag-reflex.