There's no way in holy hell this could be real. 

Alright PETA, now you're starting to piss us off. Your famous ad campaign "I'd rather go naked than wear fur" was great. And we were totally psyched, because we love nakedness and we never wear fur anyway. 

That's great marketing, PETA. You can do that any day of the week. 

But your new push smells like cage-free, organic bullshit. Without a lick of scientific evidence, you're implying that vegans last longer in bed. And that is the dumbest thing ever. 

You're also implying that vegans get killed less by rogue air conditioning units, but that's not our main problem. Here are our main arguments to refute your silly claim. 

1) There's no way vegans could summon the energy for monster fuck-sessions

The men depicted in your video are not your average vegans. If you're gonna settle in for a marathon bone-party, you need powerful muscles, flexibility and plentiful stores of energy your body taps into when the need arises. Also, a layer of fat in the lower regions (aka cushion for the pushin') is critical for both parties, as two scrawny pelvises smashing against each other is never a good time. Just like your average dude could never play in the NFL due to his size and ability, the average vegan could never visit pound-town for more than a few minutes — until they needed a bag of organic, cruelty-free frozen peas to sit on. 

2) Your sex drive is generated by eating meat

Testosterone (the chemical that makes you want to hump things) is produced in the body by cholesterol, which is derived fat. You know what has a lot of cholesterol in it? If you said "meat and eggs" then you'd be right — and those are the two biggest no-nos on the vegan menu. So not only do carnivores have more energy to use while gettin' nasty, they have more of the critical brain chemical that makes them wanna get nasty in the first place.

3) Brief sex is actually a good thing

What kind of world do you live in, vegans? We don't have time to spend all day plowing our significant other. We have shit to do. We have jobs. It might sound romantic, but if we can both get our rocks off in roughly 3 minutes, we can get back to that Netflix marathon or cook a delicious, meat-filled dinner. We can't burn an entire day by just lying around and fucking. Good God. 

4) Being a sexual god isn't worth the price of being a vegan

So let's do the math. Once you're in a committed relationship, how often do you have sex? Let's call it an average of three times a week, more or less. And how many times do you eat food? Conservatively, let's say 27 times, not counting snacks. Are you ready to add a few minutes to sex by giving up bacon, burgers, pizza and every delicious food in the world? We don't care how hot your special lady is — she's not as hot as fried chicken for the next 70 years of your life. Get real, man. 

5) You're promoting a shut-in, "scared of the world" mentality that will tank the economy and ruin America

The point you make in the last scene is the dumbest. You imply that if that poor bastard was still pumping away on his girlfriend instead of efficiently fucking her and starting his day, he wouldn't have been crushed by that air conditioner. Vegans, you argue, are safer closed up in their rooms, hiding from the dangers of the world by having marathon sex episodes. Is that what you want, PETA? A bunch of frightened rabbits, munching carrots, too spooked to go outside and live their lives? That's not what made America great. It was built on hard work, risk, red meat and brief, efficient sex. You're trying to ruin the country, PETA, and we won't let you.