There exists a man named Paul "Fotie" Photenhauer, who has written a cum cookbook. The book consists of 61 pages of recipes incorporating semen as the main ingredient, including delicacies such as Slightly Saltier Caviar, Creamy Cum Crepes and Special “S” BBQ Sauce.
The cookbook must have been a hit, as Photenhauer went on to publish a second book, a semen-based collection of cocktail recipes. Inside are instructions on crafting refreshing beverages like the Mexican Cumslide, Watermelon Gin Jizz and the Macho Mojito — all of which require teaspoons and tablespoons of baby gravy.
This discovery was hard to swallow. The semen recipe books raised so many questions that demanded explanation — but because we don’t have time to endlessly philosophize about the nutritional and cultural implications of splooge-soaked dishes and jizzy drinks, we boiled down our 5 most pressing questions.
IS IT SAFE TO EAT COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF CUM?
Before gobbling goo, the first obvious issue to consider is if are there any potential health risks. Simply put: it depends.
If the food is thoroughly cooked, any viruses in the semen should be killed off in the process. Herpes viruses, hepatitis and HIV realistically wouldn’t be transmitted through a bite of lasagna with man-meat sauce after it’s been in the oven for an hour.
However, there are many recipes among the cookbook and cocktail book that require no heating at all. In the man-made oysters, for example, you simply spoon fresh chilled semen into oyster shells. In the high protein smoothie, you blend up to 3 tablespoons of raw semen with ice cubes, kiwi, banana and soy milk. These meals wouldn’t be purged of any STDs.
Photenhauer has commented on this risk. “I would never eat or drink semen, cooked or otherwise, from someone I wouldn't be willing to have sex with,” he says.
WHAT’S THE NUTRITIONAL VALUE OF ADDING SEMEN TO YOUR SUPPER?
For eons, men have told their partners that their jizzum is a healthy nutritional supplement. Unfortunately, these claims are generally all bullshit, perpetuated by young men trying to convince their partners to swallow their foul spunk in stride.
Contrary to popular belief, semen isn’t a protein-packed supplement — one load has less than half a gram of protein. However, it is chock full of amino acids, sugar, vitamins and minerals, and because it’s mostly water, it’s refreshing and hydrating. Best of all, it has zero fat, so you can indulge without ruining your diet.
HOW TO HARVEST INGREDIENTS?
In reading page after page of the semen cookbooks’ Amazon reviews, the same issues keep popping up: preparers are struggling to harvest the ingredients.
For instance, one woman comments, “I would love to try the recipes, but my boyfriend won't supply me with the main ingredient.” It seems women are shit out of luck if their stingy male partners don’t want to share.
Customers have also complained that it’s difficult to amass enough splooge to accommodate large parties. “We invited 6 people to dinner…..I was too tired to attend after slaving all day gathering the necessary ingredients,” remarks one generous host.
Others say that collecting the main ingredient can come at great cost, physical or financial.
One man gives the disclaimer of “forearm imbalance,” explaining, “My co-workers started noticing that my right forearm was considerably more defined and at least 3/4" larger than my left forearm. It's not like Popeye big but it's still pretty embarrassing.”
Another man notes the excessive cost of each meal after factoring in his female roommate’s medical bills. “After paying for the ensuing knee reconstruction and Lockjaw treatments, the recipes are costing about $1,287.94 per serving,” he says.
ARE THE BOOKS WRITTEN FOR FETISHISTS?
It’s only natural to wonder who Paul "Fotie" Photenhauer imagined as his audience. Some say it’s a gag gift — a fantastic book to leave open on the kitchen counter, flipped specifically to the spaghetti recipe, on family spaghetti night.
However, it’s also entirely possible that the recipe books were written with semen fetishists in mind.
If Reddit, a playground for perverts, is any indication, tons of folks are infatuated with ejaculate. Hundreds of thousands of members subscribe to communities like r/CumSluts, r/CreamPies and r/ThickLoads.
Cum play is a niche fetish, but chefs don’t necessarily need to have a sexual fixation with semen to enjoy meals with a hint of special sauce. Photenhauer himself has said that he reserves semen cooking for special, intimate encounters with his partner. Says it gives a personal twist to dinner and drinks.
All one needs to enjoy one of the recipes is an open mind, a curious spirit and two or more consenting adults.
ARE THE BOOKS A PROFOUND SOCIAL COMMENTARY THAT’S CHANGING THE CONVERSATION SURROUNDING SEMEN?
Photenhauer took something that almost all of us do in the bedroom, brought it into the kitchen, and received a wave of revulsion in response. The backlash against his semen cookbooks begged the question: why is it fine between the sheets, but not in my mojito?
“People eat all kinds of weird shit. Eggs are the menstruation of chickens. Milk is the mammary excretion from cows. Semen is… at least it's fresh and you know who the producer is,” Photenhauer has said in response.
In his books, he also highlights the foods that people consume abroad, which many consider “disgusting,” yet are prized as delicacies in their countries of origin.
Before Photenhauer curated his masterpieces, semen as a food was at best neglected, and at worst condemned. Does he believe his work has shifted our cultural hardheadedness to a more enlightened understanding of semen’s culinary potential? Photenhauer could not be reached for comment.