Just like shouting "Yolo!" and man buns, we can only hope these sex disasters never come back again.
2015 brought us a ton of stupid fashion, pop culture and music — and it delivered a big heaping pile of stupid ways that people ruined sex in new and different ways. Humanity continues to disappoint us almost constantly, but here's a short list of all the ways the last 12 months ruined humping.
1) Sex Tracking Apps
Why have people become so obsessed with data? They can't just go for a run anymore — they need hard stats, elevation, wind speed and elevation (with accompanying Facebook post of their results) or a run didn't count. So of course that same mentality would apply to gettin' nasty. Tech geeks around the country strapped on their cock-mounted FitBit this year to clock their sexual stats and we're really not sure why. In reality, there's only one piece of data that should really matter: did you cum?
2) Ass Eating
Just because you saw it on "Girls" isn't a good enough reason to dive in and tongue-wrestle with the forbidden starfish. And now everyone thinks it's a great idea. We don't have anything against it if both parties are prepped correctly— but that's how you get pinkeye, people.
3) "Netflix and Chill"
This phrase is now everywhere — and easily the laziest cover-up for "please bone me" we could imagine. People these days are just too lazy to take their significant other out on a date, or cook them dinner or even change out of their sweatpants before trying to achieve sexual congress. Sure, you spent $8 a month for streaming video, but you could at least order a pizza.
4) Super Explicit Tinder Profiles
Maybe they're all just jokes, but when a woman's only Tinder line reads, "My gag reflex is as absent as my father," we get terrified, not turned on. We can only pray that we're getting catfished or sex-botted and will eventually have our credit card info stolen, but otherwise it seems like a form or mental illness.
5) 50 Shades of Grey Anything
The movie came out in February so the flood of wannabe BDSMers has subsided, but just because you watched two lunatics get kinky doesn't give you the right to beat our ass with a riding crop on the first date. Sure, you're edgy and in control of your sexuality, but the best part about sexy times is consent — and not limping the next day. Experimentation is just fine, but only because both parties are interested — and that's final.
Bonus thing we're already disappointed about for 2016: Teledildonics
This feels eerily similar to something they'd have in the X-rated version of Wall-e. We vote no.