Bumble is a dating app that claims to empower women by letting them make the first move. We decided to give it a try.

Launched in December 2014 to combat men’s embarrassing behavior on Tinder, dating app Bumble aims to create a more respectful, female-forward dating environment for those with “standards” and a distaste for opening lines like, “I like your tits, I want to swim in them, splish splash, do I still have to wait 30 minutes after eating to take that swim?”

To achieve this feat, Bumble’s creators have essentially combined Tinder, Snapchat, and the ominous countdown clock from 24 in order to empower classy females to find the mate of their dreams. Sounds great, right?

Well to us, it also sounded a little too great. So, we signed up for Bumble ourselves and decided to give the app a spin in order to find out what all the buzz was really about.

Here are some things we learned.

1. Bumble has way more hot people than Tinder or real life.

Almost every profile picture we came across looked like someone’s fantasy creature cut from a GQ/Cosmo mag. The men were all either in suits or sensually revealing their 12-pack abs to our watering eyes. Big, bearded and burly, they sat behind mahogany desks they probably built with bare hands and smiled playfully at us like they knew what we wanted, but weren’t about it give it up so easily. Those fuckers.

Meanwhile, the women were all genetically blessed with blindingly white smiles and looked important enough to have a gluten intolerance.

We just about acquired carpal tunnel from the continuous right swipe motion; everyone on the damn thing is a generic stock photo of attractiveness. Because of this, Bumble seems to be about quality over quantity. While Tinder has a wide variety of people who want to fuck you, and seemingly never runs out of profiles, Bumble delivers fewer, yet way more drool-worthy pics.

2. Bumble only gives ladies 24 hours to reach out.

We started to plan our wedding to the Zak Efron lookalike that we matched with a couple swipes back, but realized that we should probably make a move and say hello first. Unlike Tinder, the ball is in the ladies’ court when it comes to starting a conversation, and if a connection isn’t made within 24 hours, the match expires. Talk about pressure. Now that we’ve matched with a couple of these male models we have to say hello first, and pronto?!

It also takes the fun out of the game for guys — they now have to wait and see if a match is actually interested or if she only swiped because she also likes eating gyros in bed (by far the best photo decision you’ve ever made, dudes). 

3. Bumble makes you feel like a loser if you’re not a ball-busting CEO.

After reading some of these profiles, we started to feel a little like a goal-less peasant on the brink of homelessness. Where Tinder has the entertaining profiles smattered with lines like “I’m a 10 with my credit card behind the bar” or “I’m a BBW with a big heart to match,” Bumble’s users offer more ‘mature’ descriptions of themselves.

Underneath the main photo, the user’s current job and the college they attended are listed. Many rattle off a bulleted list of interests that, you guessed it, include craft beer/whiskey, hiking and other general outdoor activities, setting goals and hitting them, and commitment. "Scrubs need not apply" is a common warning on these profiles.

Our goal of not being furiously hung over on Sunday morning just doesn’t impress in this world of Jay Gatsbys.

4. People on Bumble are way too serious.

They seem to think this app is the gateway into their next serious relationship. If it really turns out to be so, congrats and more power to ya, but … their advertised goal of creating lasting connections is bullshit. It’s nothing more than Tinder for really, really, really, ridiculously good-looking people with no sense of humor.

While Tinder acknowledges its ridiculousness and its users accept the fact that their meet-up could most definitely turn into a "Netflix and Chill" situation, Bumble places a veneer on this hook-up culture, assuming that just because you have your alma mater listed, you’re long-term relationship material. Go Buffs! Not!

Bumble doesn’t want to admit that it is a shallow, game-like, dating app that judges users on a ‘would you have sex with this person?’ platform. It should be entertaining, but instead leaves us to question our life decisions while we finish off that large Domino’s pizza. Hey, we’re not drivin’.

5. Worst of all, no dick pics 🙁

Not that Tinder allows dick pics … but you’d think an app so set on matching you with Prince Charming, or Malia Obama once she’s 18, would want to help you vet out your options. Shouldn’t you be able to scope that oil baron’s urethra before you start choosing appropriate nuptial place settings for your destination wedding? We think yes.

Instead, Bumble’s picture-messaging feature, similar to Snapchat, blurs the photo until your finger is pressed and held to the screen. It also makes you attach your name and a picture of your face to the photo, so for those of us sending dick pics or drunken nudes, our identity is permanently attached to them. Goodbye post-collegiate job market.

All in all, Bumble is a boring, sometimes glitchy, self-esteem shatterer of a dating app. It tried to take out the creep factor but instead took out all sense of lightheartedness. It feels like a job interview where we know we’re severely under-qualified. Do yourself a favor and stick to Tinder. You’ll have way more fun and probably way more NSA sex.