The first time a professional dominatrix invited me to a sex party at her dungeon, I politely declined. The idea of being surrounded by seasoned fetishists who'd had years in the rodeo of riding sex swings while wearing strap-ons was simply too intimidating.
I feared I’d instantly look out of place. In a congregation of kinksters, I’d look like the lone little girl who’s led a lifetime of vanilla sex so tame her partner needs to choke back his yawns mid-thrust.
But for weeks, I wondered what I could have been missing out on. I pictured an endless treasure trove of sex toys to play with; an acceptable public space to wear my skimpiest lingerie; a sea of perverts desperate for the opportunity to see me spanked …
Suddenly, I was dying for that public validation of my sex appeal. I didn’t want to be vanilla forever — I wanted to be provocative, daring and adventurous.
So I bought two tickets, for myself and my boyfriend, to a holiday play party in Denver, and began to prepare for a night of sexual debauchery.
If I was adequately prepared, I hoped, I’d no longer have to worry about looking like an outsider.
OUTFITS
Sex parties often enforce a dress code. “No street clothes” is a common requirement, as if no attendee should be able to leave the party and look appropriate in any other environment.
Our invitation encouraged “your fetish best” — anything from leather or latex to costumes or BDSM harnesses.
[BDSM harnesses on sale at Etsy]
It seemed simple enough to find something for myself. I bought some skimpy little lingerie from the local sex shop and called it a day. My boyfriend, however, didn’t have the same luxury.
Victoria’s Secret doesn’t make lingerie just for men. He refused to invest in a gimp suit. So we embraced our final alternative: a suit and theatrical mask. We were told to embrace the aesthetic of Eyes Wide Shut, the erotic drama in which Tom Cruise infiltrates the massive masked orgy of a secret society.
We wondered if it really mattered what we wore at all. After all, our invitation said that nudity was strongly encouraged. Perhaps we’d waste hours picking out salacious outfits, then arrive at the party and immediately rip them off.
FANTASIES
We didn’t want to aimlessly wander around the sex dungeon wondering what might arouse us and what might give us nightmares — so we put together a to-do list of sexual fantasies to explore while we had the opportunity.
I wanted to be tied up. I wanted to be dominated.
He wanted to role play: doctor and patient, with my legs forcibly spread by the stirrups of an exam chair.
We both had our hearts set on the St. Andrew’s cross, where one partner’s ankles and wrists could be restrained while the other partner took advantage of their vulnerable state.
Talking about what kinks enticed us offered the chance to talk about which fantasies we could fulfill, and which were absolutely off the table.
BOUNDARIES
Admittedly, I’m not that open-minded about my sex life. Polyamory and swinging would never cut it with my monstrous jealousy. Odds are, if my boyfriend let another person near his genitals, I’d set all of his possessions on fire.
So boundaries were an essential discussion. We agreed on answers to questions like, “Would you get naked in front of people?,” “Would you have sex while someone is watching?,” and “Would you let another person paddle your bare butt?”
Some responses had hard limits, completely banned by one partner during negotiation. Others had soft limits, activities one person would rather avoid, but was willing to offer some wiggle room.
Our answers surprised one another, but it was better to face those surprises in advance than cross those limits the night of, and end the evening with aggravated arson and all of our possessions up in flames.
TOYS
Our invitation encouraged us to bring our own toys. A logical request, of course, given that sharing a dildo with dozens of people isn’t always safe or sanitary.
But my boyfriend and I didn’t own any toys. Until now, our naughty bits had always been enough to satisfy us. We wondered, is showing up to a sex party without sex toys as much a faux pas as showing up to a potluck without artichoke dip?
So we took a trip to the local sex shop to pick out some party favors. Aisles upon aisles of vibrators and cock rings and endless varieties of lubes left us feeling wildly overwhelmed.
We picked out a blindfold and a bit of bondage rope. Amateur-level BDSM tools, to be sure, but better than arriving empty-handed.
DRUGS
Several friends insisted that drugs would be a necessary addition to our very first sex party. So we considered how some substances might affect our experience.
Weed would make us too mellow when we’d rather be bursting with energy.
Cocaine or MDMA might make us more sociable, but could destroy any man’s ability to get his weiner working.
LSD or mushrooms sounded terrible, as we were sure the party would be strange enough without psychedelics making things weirder.
In the end, we settled on sipping a few cocktails. Just enough to mitigate our anxiety, not enough to start slurring our words.
After all, the main principles of the BDSM community are safe, sane and consensual. To get too inebriated and take ourselves out of a sensible frame of mind wouldn’t be fun for anyone.
With outfits, fantasies, boundaries, toys and substances all arranged, our fears of feeling out-of-place faded away. We’d later learn those fears were completely unfounded, as the sex-positive community is remarkably warm and welcoming.
The Boy Scout in me knew to “always be prepared.” Thankfully, that goodie-two-shoes was long gone come playtime at my very first sex party.
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