Because sometimes, the Goldschläger wears off before you make it home.

Humans need very little help when it comes to making absolutely terrible decisions. Humans also love booze. When these factors coalesce, it’s not uncommon that after a couple of 40s and some Mad Dog, extremely regrettable ideas become extremely regrettable realities.

Under the influence of beer goggles, our sexual standards hit an all-time low, and before you know it, the Uber ride is over, the Goldschlager shots have worn off and ol’ Jack or Janice from the bar isn’t looking nearly as fuckable as an hour ago.

This can only end one of two ways, neither being savory. Here are some pro tips guys and girls use to get out of this conundrum with minimal guilt and further regret:


The cowardly approach: theatrical vomiting

Look, articulating to someone that you’re no longer really that into the idea of penetrating them is probably going to come off a little unsmooth, no matter the delivery, so you might as well go full coward and have this conversation with the person on the opposite side of the bathroom door as you pretend to grapple with debilitating food poisoning. While you casually scroll through your Instagram feed, falsify retching sounds and pour water into the toilet to mimic the cadence of diarrhea. You might have to take one for the team and sleep locked in the bathroom, but it’s worth the trailer park baby you’ll avoid creating.

Pray they fall for one of your roommates instead

On many occasions, we’ve had roommates with lower standards than even the drunkest depths of our subconsciousness could even relegate to. Once back at the ol’ homestead, the guys are all gathered in the living room. The nice young lady makes herself comfortable, as we chug whiskey in the bathroom to either a) pass out,  b) submit to deed , or c) buy time to see if she chooses door #3,  which is any door in the apartment other than ours. Fortunately this scenario often has potential to turn into a “switch-a-roo” of sorts … and she wins because she still gets laid, but doesn't have to have sex with you.

The Buffalo Bill

As in the Buffalo Bill of Silence of the Lambs fame. You know the scene. Simply play ‘Goodbye Horses’ by Q Lazarus on the ol’ smartphone, tuck the junk behind your thighs and ask the age old question: “Would you fuck me? I’d fuck me,” all the while wiggling out of sync to that ominous beat. This should have your guest fleeing the scene in no time.


The “I’m experiencing womanhood” approach

There’s nothing more de-bonerizing to a one-night-stand than explaining to him how your female flower is in full bloom at that very moment. Mother Nature’s monthly gift has finally arrived! Would your guest like to see? Taste? Hear? Experience? No? Perfect. Now’s the time to start doing rails of Midol to “help with the big cramps" and following up with some bullshit about how you “inherited your mother’s child-bearing hips." You’ll be sleeping alone in no time.

The MTV Cribs approach

“This is the kitchen, this is the bathroom, this is my bedroom and this is the couch where you’ll be sleeping. How many pillows do you need?”

The unsafe safe sex method

Oh no, what’s that you say? You don’t have a condom? Yeah, that sucks. I’m totally not on birth control. Safe sex is like, the best sex, know what I mean? Flirty giggle. Flirty giggle again. 

What’s that? You’re willing to lightly jog to the 7-Eleven 10 blocks away in the freezing cold to get a pack of average-sized Trojans?

Brilliant. Game on.

Take your jacket and cell phone with you in case you get lost. Great. Yes. Buh-bye now.

*Locks door, goes to sleep, enjoys the peaceful, angelic rest of an undisturbed vagina*