In terms of sex toy knowledge, “You know nothing Jon Snow.” Do not worry. By the time you finish this article you’ll be somewhat disturbed, and properly educated.

Let’s pretend you’re in sex school and we're your teacher. For you, w'ere going to be what Robin Williams was to the Dead Poets Society, but instead of discussing Lord Byron, Robert Frost, or Walt Whitman we’ll be submerging ourselves in the world of oral simulators, leg dildos, and sex toys for the rich. In terms of sex toy knowledge, “You know nothing Jon Snow.” Do not worry. By the time you finish this article you’ll be somewhat disturbed, and properly educated. 

1. Single-Locking Suction Footrest for Shower Sex

I came across this while doing research for my Journeyman Plumber’s exam. Basically, it’s a suction cup footrest to enhance shower sex. The products official title is the Single-Locking Suction Footrest for Shower Sex. I would have called it The Foot Rest for Fucking, but that’s because I had an extensive conversation with a very talented telemarketer in 2007. This device sticks to the wall of your shower so your partner can place his or her foot on it, providing them the opportunity to properly present their orifice of choice.

The great thing about the Single-Locking Suction Footrest for Shower Sex is that it has multiple functions. Ladies, after you’ve finished a round of indoor slip n’ slide, you can easily shave your legs with the aid of this footrest. I do encourage you to shave your legs after the sex has occurred to properly gage whether or not you just screwed a gentleman.

2. Alpha One Gold Cock Ring

Cock rings have been around since man first invented the wheel. Man recognized that the wheel was a great tool and immediately thought, “Hey, if I cut a hole in that wheel I could jam my dick in there.” This was the first cock enhancement to aid in making the penis look more powerful. Most men spend at least half the day still thinking about how to make their cocks more cockish. Men fight to be the top dog in a variety of categories, and for those guys winning the financial game; the Alpha One Gold Cock Ring is their ultimate trophy.

Here’s the professional description from ahanoir.com.

“Created with a man in mind, this gilded masturbator is precision machined from a solid block of high-grade, 24-karat, gold-plated metal, bringing a jewelry-like quality to the adult lifestyle market. Each is outfitted with stretchy, rubber gel padding that conforms perfectly to the size of the penis. Although intended for solo-play, the ring can be used with a partner as an aid during the act of fellatio or as a cock ring during intercourse.”

Spending $400 dollars on a cock ring isn’t what depresses me about this item, it’s that a part of me really wishes I could afford to my manhood covered in gold.

3. Dictator Butt Plugs

Butt plugs by nature are strange, and seem to only be used in porn. I thought about placing the Pony tailed butt plugs on this list, but for whatever reason I didn’t find them unique enough to make a cut. Fortunately, for all the butt lovers out there, I discovered the dictator butt plugs in the shape of Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un. Do a Google search to find your favorite dictator. Who hasn’t fantasized about how stimulating it would be to have an entire fascist dictator completely inside of you? This desire falls somewhere between a foot fetish and manga porn connoisseur.

4. The SQWEEL

When you think of sex toys you probably imagine a dildo first. You may envision a Fleshlight, or some fluffy handcuffs, but I am fairly certain a plastic compact filled with silicone tongues did not present itself rapidly spinning inside your Occipital lobe. If you did imagine that, you certainly did not have the foresight to name it The Sqweel. This product is man’s best attempt, so far, to recreate oral sex for women. Essentially, this is a headless cunnilingus master. This little toy spins its wheel of silicone tongues at whatever speed the user may desire. The exciting part ladies is when this toy is eating you out it never gets full. Wait; actually the best part is that it doesn’t expect any sexual favors in returns.

5. The James Dean Stay Close Waist Belt

Getting the award for the most unnecessary sex toy is the The James Dean Stay Close Waist Belt. Which is just a piece of material men can use so they don’t have to use their hands to jam their significant other’s face on their cock. I’ve never been receiving a blow job and thought, “Man, I wish I could make this slightly worse for the girl.” Also, that’s James Dean the porn star not the actor.

6. Thigh Harness

Then there’s the thigh harness, which allows the user to strap a dildo onto his or her thigh. I always thought my penis would serve me better if it was located just above my knee…unless of course I was a carpet installer.