For years, society has debated whether men and women can be "just friends." Well shit, of course they fucking can. How do you think Hillary and Bill Clinton have had such a long-lasthing marriage? But the truth is, it's harder for men than it is for women, thanks to the whole "My raging boner is hot for you" thing. As a consequence, men miss out on a lot of the friendship benefits you get from having a female friend, which is tragic, because every guy needs one. Whether it's to help him work out his mommy issues or leave the house without looking like corpse from hell, here are six reasons why.
For years, society has debated whether men and women can be "just friends." Well shit, of course they fucking can. How do you think Hillary and Bill Clinton have had such a long-lasthing marriage? But the truth is, it's harder for men than it is for women, thanks to the whole "My raging boner is hot for you" thing. As a consequence, men miss out on a lot of the friendship benefits you get from having a female friend, which is tragic, because every guy needs one.
The key is to find someone that you care deeply about, but have no sexual attraction to. Maybe it's someone you already fucked (and thus the mystique is gone). Maybe it's someone you're not sexually attracted to after the accident. Maybe it's someone you grew up with that you just don't see in that light. Either way, it'll only work for you if you don't wake up in the middle of the night moaning her name, sporting a boner that could impale a steel door if it felt like it.
So, whether it's to help him you out your mommy issues or leave the house without looking like corpse from hell, here are six reasons why everyone with a dick needs to be best friends with someone without one.
Here's what you get out of it.
1. They make other chicks think you're less of a serial killer
Fact: when girls see you hanging out with other girls, you look more desireable. To other women, having female friends means you're open-minded, respectful, mature, not a total dude-bro, and most importantly, unlikely to vivisect them to wear their hide as a gown.
Non-fuckable female friends make fuckable girls feel safe. We can't say the same for your buddy Kyle, who's currently boob-honking your crush.
2. Every guy needs an emotional sponge
Non-fuckable female friends are the super-absorbant Bounty paper towels that'll wipe away your puddle of tears with just one swipe.
You can open up to them with a level of honesty and vulnerability that you can't let lose with your guy friends or even your mom, who thinks you're God's gift to humanity and every problem you encounter is because someone doesn't see that.
Did you just run into your ex-girlfriend and need someone to send a 105-line text message to? Female friend. Do you not really know where you're going in life and need an outlet to voice your frustration? Female friend. Are you considering adult circumcision because your foreskin is too tight and keeps getting itchy? Female friend … and later, a qualified medical professional.
Often times, men see emotional conversations as "complaining" or "ranting," which makes it hard for them to talk to each other openly. They feel shitty taking up other people's time with what they see as menial emotional issues.
On the other hand, women communicate almost entirely in emotions. When you come to them looking to discuss an sensitive issue or how you feel about something, they simply it as a normal conversation. The conversational intimacy you share when you talk to them not only makes you feel supported and like someone cares about your problems, but it's how people bond. Come to your non-fuck-buddy with an issue or a deep topic, and she'll be your friend and have your back for as you don't mistake her caring about you for sexual attraction … or try to put your penis in her ear.
Female friends are a great way to work out your issues so they don't build up and explode like a Chernobyl nuclear reactor. They'll keep you balanced … but will also tell you to shut the fuck up once your weeping has passed the 45-minute mark.
3. Sex tips. So many sex tips.
When you have a non-fuckable female friend, you can bet your butt she's gonna talk to you about sex. She'll want to hear what's going on in your sex life, and she'll spill it about what's going on in hers. Take notes, because whatever thing she's gushing about or making fun of is probably something you could try.
For example, if she's like, "This asshole nuzzled my clit with his nose when he was going down on me," then clutches her throat and pretends to die … you should probably not do that.
Alternatively, if you're talking about sex and she's all, "Has anyone ever stuck their tongue in your ear while they were fucking you? I kind of liked it …" then maybe that's something you should try.
With guys, talking about sex is all bragging and describing. You never hear the female perspective of what they're talking about, and chances are if they're bragging about it, it's some self-aggrandizing effort to prove how heterosexual they are. With chicks, you get to hear both perspectives and bounce ideas off someone who's most similar to the person you're trying those ideas on.
Plus, if you ever have questions like "How do I let my girlfriend know I bought her a mammoth dildo without freaking her out," ask your female friend. She won't even blink before she tells you to put it in Tiffany's box and disguise it as a giant necklace.
4. They diversify your routine
Sometimes, a guy just wants to have a minute Asian women scrub his feet and trim the birdlike talons that have become his toenails while the soothing sounds of Kenny G serenate the rest of the nail salon. That's what female friends are for.
When you hang out with chicks, you get to do all sorts of shit you never would otherwise. You see different movies. You eat at different restaurants. You go to different bars where there are way more hot chicks than the ones you go with your guy friends.
Yeah, maybe you have to stop by Planned Parenthood with them every now and then, but don't you need to get that bump on your balls looked at anyway? Exactly.
5. They make you un-ugly
Underneath the exterior of every man who pretends not to care how he looks, is a man who cares how he looks.
Ask your guy friends if your beard is getting too terrifying or if you look like a concussed linebacker with that haircut. The answer will most likely be "Uuuhhhfffhggg."
Ask your female friend, and her answers will likely be "You look like the apparition of a Civil War foot solider who was buried alive after a cannon blast" and "Yes," respectively.
Not only do female friends care about how you look and smell, they know how to fix you. They'll be brutually honest with you about how you look, and although it might decimate your delicate man ego temporarily, it'll only make you a hotter person once you stop crying.
6. There's no pressure to do anything other than exist
You can just exist, in peace, without having to puff out your chest or worry if the line "Are you my appendix? Because I don't know what you do or how you work but I feel like I should take you out" is good enough to get her into bed.
Sure, you might think about fucking each other. The notion might cross your mind. But it's no different than thinking about fucking Aunt Jemima or the ghost of Betsy Ross. The difference is you don't want it to happen … or if you get the faintest inkling desire telling you that you do, you immediately feel a level of disgust normally reserved for Fear Factor contestants who have to drink horse cum to win money.
There's an immense relaxation in knowing you don't have to actually do anything to impress her. You can just hang out and be yourself, even if that means drinking sangria and eating straight cheese while you talk about dicks.
Sure you can do that with your guy friends … but can your guy friends show you how lingerie works at Victoria's Secret while simultaneously listening to you lament about your girlfriend's distaste for anal? If they can … please have them cryogenically preserved to educate future generations.
Or, alternatively said in guy-speak, female friends get you pussy and drink your tears. Understand?