Many of these habits and rituals have gone unnoticed by the opposite gender … until now.

Although sex is often spontaneous and passionately unplanned, that's hardly the full story. There's an onslaught of feverish planning, grooming and psychological pep-talking both sexes do in order to prepare for a good coitus, but many of those habits and rituals have gone mercifully unnoticed by the opposite gender … until now. 


Deal with the hair situation

Everyone knows that girls shave themselves into slippery, aerodynamic skin shapes before a date, but the scope and extent of this depilation is largely unknown. You see, inside the butt cheeks of every woman is a nebulous and expansive forest of hair that needs to be reckoned with prior to sex. And you can't just "get at it" with a razor, for razor companies have not caught on to the fact that women need their butt cracks shaved, and therefore razors can only reach certain crevices and valleys in their quest to destroy the fuzz. The rest is painstakingly auto-waxed or plucked out with tweezers, one confusingly long hair at a time. And that's just the pre-nipple proceedure.

The donning of the matching bra and panties

Because nothing says "I'm ripe and ready for bodily pleasures" than two shapes of stretchy fabric of the same color placed over the private regions of a woman's figure. Of course, the amount of thought and planning that goes into the bra/panty coordination scheme is instantly undone by her partner, who often rips one off in the dark, leaving no time to appreciate the stunning symmetry or coordination she's achieved. Really pro girls avoid this by wearing no bra or panties at all — because what's even the point anymore — but this is a decision only decided after hours of outfit design that culminates in a rewarding half-bottle of wine.

Practice the O-Face

It's many women's unfortunate quest in life to constantly look hot (more on this in a second), and never does this statement apply more than to her O-Face, the likes of which her partner will hopefully be staring very intently down at in a few short hours. The ultimate challenge? Turning that screwed-up, "I'm not in pain but it looks like I am" orgasm mug into a delicate expression of pleasure, surprise and perfectly parted lips so that the man thinks he did good with his penis or the lady thinks some combination of her tongue, fingers or 10-inch strap-on really sealed the deal.

The glaring problem with this is that it's stupid. Having an orgasm is hard enough, so why spend that precious moment worrying about what you look like? The more fucked up your face is, and the more animalistic sounds that are coming out of it, the more it probably feels good. No one looks like this when they come:

Kegel. Kegel. Auuugh. Kegel.

Somewhere, at some time, girls have been terrified into thinking their pussies are too loose and they need to "tighten then up" in order to "blow their man's (or woman's … or non-binary individual's) mind." So, when faced with the potential of sex, many girls will kegel the day away, spending every moment prior to coitus squishing, squeezing and pulsing in order to turn that birth canal into a vice grip. In reality, it doesn't really tighten anything appreciably unless you do it for days on end, but it does bring a shit load of blood to her vagina, making her pretty damn horny and more likely to orgasm, so … great job!

Thoughtfully rearrange the medicine cabinet

No girl wants the person staying over to know that she's been prescribed Percocet for excessive menstrual cramping, needs super-sized tampons, has 13 varieties of zit cream and 14 of birth control, has a mostly empty travel sized bottle of Summer's Eve and 15 other mysterious pills, creams, ointments and tinctures she relies on for life force. So, before sex, many a woman has been known to, you know, casually dump the contents of her medicine cabinet into a trash bag, stash it under her bed, and in its place, put a single toothbrush to give the illusion of low maintenance. Perfect.

Smell check

How does it smell down there? Like life, or like death? Girls can never be too sure, so 104 percent of the time, they'll do a smell check prior to sex to avoid asphyxiating their partner. Usually, a slight panty whiff is enough to indicate whether the mission is a go or if she needs to fake her own kidnapping to get out of Amazon Prime and mildly chilling.


Spill seed

Some guys have mistakenly convinced themselves that, if they jack off before a date or a booty call, then their pungent male pheromones released at the point of orgasm will overtake the object of their desire with a miasma of lusty smells. Just the sweet stench of testosterone alone will be enough to lure a bedroom partner into their shared living area.


Moving on.

Put on their "sexy" underwear

Ninety-nine percent guys have a pair of "good" underwear they put on when they're anticipating sex. This prized pair is just the pair that smells the least like smegma, has the least amount of holes, and doesn't have their initials Sharpie-d onto the tag. Usually, they're "form fitting" like boxer briefs or some shit, mainly because guys think you seeing their bulge will just intoxicate you to the point of pregnancy.

Put condoms "conveniently" in reach of the bed

… but not so close that it seems like they assumed they were having sex. And then when they go to get them, they'll fumble around for a little like they didn't know exactly where they were … like they just "casually" stash condoms in their fish tank.

Work out

In twisted world that is male logic, working out = release of energy  = calm = increased sex drive = avoidance of premature ejaculation = a sudden transformation into an animal who can fuck for forever and a day. This is actually kinda of true; working out is believed to decrease testosterone, which calms down guys enough that they're not cumming themselves as soon as the girl shows up, but it also increases heart rate and circulation enough that when they do get aroused, they're really aroused. Like go all night aroused.

Also, smell check

Sometimes, the odor wafting off a man's dick and balls would be enough to kill a ghost. So, like the ladies, men will conduct a smell check before sex as to ascertain whether or not they need to douche with a fire hose. This is usually accomplished simply by breathing, then choking, then vomiting, then a very insecure shower.

Tell their roommates to fuck off

There's no telling what kind of primal pounding is about to occur, or which counter top or roommate's bed will be chosen as that night's sex zone, so to save everyone the embarrassing awkwardness of a shared living situation, guys will simply tell their roommates to fuck off if they know they're about to bone. Good roommates obey, but better roommates stick around to learn a thing or two. Man code at its finest.