How to make a good impression on the woman that created the person you're sleeping with …
About 15 seconds ago, you were wiping semen off of your upper lip.
Now, his mom is coming over to see her precious baby boy. There's nothing like a mother's love to ruin the moment, amiright?
The clock is ticking, and you haven't even found where your Nuva Ring went.
You're completely dishevled, and your boyfriend still has a boner that you could probably see from space.
Seconds turn to milliseconds and you can hear her walking up the steps, squawking, "Anybody home?!"
Your heart is pounding. You're starting to sweat. What if she senses what you've just been doing using her mystical mother telepathy?
What? In the living fuck? Do you do?
Here are a few ways to pretend like you weren't just rabidly defiling her son.
1. Go for the hug
Don't shake her hand. You know where that's been.
2. Pop some gum in your dirty mouth
You already carry every belonging you've ever owned around with you in your bag, so why not add a little thing of gum to your ever-expanding purse junkyard? Logical reasoning: people chew gum all the time. There's nothing suspicious about you masticating a piece when she shows up all like, "Where's my favorite son?"
Yeah … gum. That, or those Colgate Wisp things. Those things are a real life saver. Please endorse Rooster, Colgate Wisps.
Oh, and there's a reason why we're recommending gum or DELICIOUS COLGATE WISPS instead of mouthwash … mouthwash makes your breath too icy and clean. His mom may be ugly but she's not dumb; she knows as well as you or we do that anyone with that fresh of Listerine breath has been putting her son's dick on their mouths. It's just a dental reality.
3. Bring a beanie with you at all times
If the sex was any good, your hair will look like 200 screeching eagles flew into it and tried to make a nest in the midst of a Category 5 tropical depression. There's no way you're going to brush that rat's next out before his mom knocks on the door, so keep a beanie handy at all times to hide your post-sex hair.
If she asks why you're wearing a beanie, you ran out of shampoo. Plus, who is she, your gynecologist? Lay off Mary, geeze.
4. Make yourself useful
If you look flustered when she shows up, or like your over-excited to see her, chances are she'll be forced to conjure up the horrifying mental image of her baby boy bending you over the IKEA loveseat and really giving it to you like a big man.
Is that what you want?
No. You want her to think you and her son were not engaging in anything unholy. You want her to think your relationship is based on practicality and eventual matrimony, not the fact that his dick game is simply A1 and you have exactly the kind of nipples he looks for on PornHub.
Instead, in the waning seconds before she shows up in her dumpy organic cotton pant suit to ruin your fuck sesh, preoccupy yourself with a chore, or something that involves the use of your hands when she shows up. Be doing the dishes, be feeding your pet, be lifting weights … whatever. Just make it look like she walked in on you in the middle of your daily routine. That way, she feels welcome in your home, not unwelcome in your sex dojo.
5. Call your own mom
If you're "coincidentally" on the phone when you're the person whose vagina your boyfriend just burst out of shows up, she won't have the ability to micro-inspect your face for signs of smudged mascara, ruffled clothing, dried you-know-what, or that musty sex scent that so often crops up when it really shouldn't. Even better, if it's your own mother you're on the phone with, no one can fault you for rudely taking a call. It's your mother after all. Mothers are holy. Unless they're your boyfriend's.
6. Quickly, quickly put on lipstick
As anyone who's ever tried to put on lipstick knows, it takes 20-30 years to get it right. So, if you've got a bit of color on your lips, you probably weren't just slobbing on the knob of her adult child … at least by her logic. And being a woman of her generation, it most likely won't occur to her that you've been wearing that lipstick all night … you just weren't the one who was doing the going down. Catch our drift? Great.
But if any of these methods don't work or apply to your situation; don't worry. We've still got you covered. Here are a few major "don't"s when it comes to meeting his mom mere seconds after he pulls out like a golden god.
Dead giveaways that you were just defiling her son:
– You're in the bathroom or shower when she gets there.
– You avoid her gaze or can't maintain eye contact because the thought that he came out of her vagina but was in yours is just too existential and biologically troubling to bear.
– You're still wearing the ball gag.
– That hickey.
– You're glowing and so unspeakably beautiful that the only explanation for your radiance is either pregnancy or a really lit orgasm.
– You make way too much conversation with her and ask her what the '50s, '60s, and '70s were like for her.
– You're actually still fucking when she gets there.
So, yeah. Use this knowledge to respect his mom; you never know what kind of exotic family vacation she'll pay to take you on once she's convinced herself you're not some floozy who was seduced by her son's witty Tinder bio, which you are, but hey … we all are. Fly free, young butterfly.
Photo cred: Owen Gould/Kylah Benes-Trapp