Balls are funny creatures. To touch them or to completely ignore them while their next door neighbor is in your mouth? It’s a tough call. But there’s loads of fun to be had with Thing 1 and Thing 2.
Let’s play ball. When giving head, what can you do with all that low hanging fruit? There’s a world of possibilities but here are just a few suggestions to get you started:
1. The Full Monty
You’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts at your fingertips; why not tap them together rhythmically to make your very own artisanal beats? For the musically inclined, you could piece together whole drum solos. For the tone deaf, mimicking Patsy in Monty Python and the Holy Grail could provide some good vibrations along the shaft and general testicular area. At the very least, ‘coconutting’ his balls will inspire some Medieval role play during your next oral sesh.
2. Try to Visualize His Balls
Want to act like a Chinese guru, medicine man, or ultra-zen yogi? Of course you do. Simply grasp both balls in one palm, move fingers in a wave-like ‘come hither’ motion, and say ‘Ommm.’ Careful not to fully twist his balls around one another because you may place your partner at the doctor’s office, writhing in pain. Slowly shift balls from one part of the palm to the next. If you’re feeling even more meditative, incorporate the other hand and kind of slinky them back and forth. It will keep you entertained for hours and him constantly stimulated. Or terrified.
3. The Dude Abides
Not only is this fun and sexually stimulating, it’s incredibly hygienic. How often do you think your man really gets in there and gives his balls a good cleaning? Based upon the eau-de-locke- room scent emanating from his sack, not often enough. You know those silky eye-glass cleaning cloths that come with most brand name sunglasses or prescription eye wear? Grab yourself one of those and place the balls in the center. Now grab each corner between thumb and forefinger and quickly pull the cloth up and down. You’re doing the Jesus Bowling Ball Clean. It will no doubt feel good to get the crown jewels polished up a bit.
4. All Dressed Up and Nowhere to Go
This one can take a little planning but with good preparation you’re in for a good time. Bert and Ernie, Kirk and Spock, Ben and Jerry, whatever’s your bag, it only takes a little imagination to dress up the dangly bits. You can top the little guys in miniature Santa hats, full on 1920s garb, or just draw little faces on each one to express the full range of emotions you feel when you’re swaddling his testicles in tiny clothing. Any way you spin in, they can look pretty scary all shriveled and bare, but tape a couple of googly eyes on each one and you’re in for the ride of your life.
5. B.A.L.L.S. Challenge
Remember last year when hot girls were posing in bikinis dumping buckets of ice on their heads to raise awareness for … what was that disease again? Normally when love juices get flowing, that whole area is hot and bothered. Cool the bad boys down with a little ice bath. It’d be a little dissimilar to the charitable event but stick an ice cube in your mouth and go to town. It will help increase circulation and keep the guy on his toes.
6. Chubby Bunny Challenge
We’ve all stuffed a bunch of marshmellows and grapes in our mouth while our friends counted, the decibel level increasing with each added morsel. Finally we would cry, Chubby Bunny as the saliva covered food exploded from our now aching jaws. This game can be equally fun with a pair of kiwi sized doo-dads. Try one at a time, gently, because balls aren’t as malleable as vined fruit, #regrettable.
Puppets! They’re sometimes creepy, sometimes cute, sometimes used as educational tools. String up some dental floss around a few popsicle sticks and place each ball in the cross of the strings. You can adlib with your guy or write up a complete script before for each character. This sexercise will allow you to practice multitasking, and develop dexterity hopefully increasing your skills as a typist, secretary, or flutist.