The Republican debate last night was … something? Thank Trump's comb-over we were able to learn a thing or two from the shit show …

The Republican debate last night was … something? Thank Trump's comb-over we were able to learn a thing or two from the shit show …

1. Moderators need to take it down a notch. We're watching for the candidates, not an open mic of new material from the reporters.
When Bret Baier cracked a Lebron James joke in the opening dialogue of the debate, we knew we were in for a long night. The Shrek looking anchor joked that the crowd should display an excitement level between a Lebron James slam dunk and the Cleveland public library. Bret, we’re not sure what that even means but next time, skip the pop culture references, stop giving notice to the crowd and get on with the reason everyone has tuned in to this inconvenient truth. Which leads us to our next thing we learned …

2. Crowds should be banished from debates
We understand that the Townhall Meeting aspect gives everyone a fuzzy, warm sense of belonging and acceptance but things have gone too far. The hooting, hollering and cheering all seem to be mercurial sound vomit from Ohioans that are still sobbing over the Cavs ability to lose a title to a 12-year-old looking Stephen Curry and Co. It’s distracting, opinionated and frankly, brings very little to the event except the ability to make the moderators stop talking about pop culture.

3. Fox News is not good for the Republican party
While the questions were well conceived and direct to the point, the questions we also partisan and divisive, leaving the candidates with no option except to pander to the right wingers. Sadly, the majority of viewers, including ourselves, are stuck in the middle of this political party orgy without any action and are simply looking for good ideas to help the country that’s on dialysis. When the questions are “Have you received a call from God?” and “How would you sway the republican voters?”, the moderators are foolishly leading the candidates down a dark road of no return. It’s 2015, the millennials unfortunately are going to vote — and do so in mass. Don’t forget about their cute colloquialism of “Socially Liberal and Fiscally Conservative.”

4. When did everyone get an orange spray tan?
We’re not privy as to what goes into a spray tan or how the outcome should look but this orange hue has become a go-to shade for the candidates and Bret Baier. Donald might be the orangest but Marco Rubio came in second while Ted Cruz maintained his glowing complexion of wax doll.

5. Ted Cruz is made of wax
Look at the guy. His expressions. His smile. His inability to move his face for emotions. The guy belongs in a wax museum. And if he's not wax, well, he might be a mass murderer.

6. Trump leading the primaries is like being at the head of the human centipede. It's not an achievement. 
If you’re internal dialogue struggles to comprehend the fact that Trump leads the polls for the GOP primary, look no further than the delapitated and hollowed-out figures called his competition. Any time they derided the leader of the pack, Trump brought them back down to size with base-pess coments that nonetheless quieted their qualms. Candidates need charisma, confidence and the ability to think on their feet. Jeb looked like he forgot everything his debate coach taught him. Rand Paul appeared to embody the anxious mannerisms of his father, Ron Paul (See not creative names for sons). Ben Carson shocked himself with every coherent sentence he put together. Chris Christie managed to side-step the fact that he's run his state into the ground. John Kusich, and maybe, MAYBE Marco Rubio, might be the only ones who had anything of substance to say.

7. Scott Walker looks a lot like Denver comedian Greg Baumhauer
Amirite? Vote Greg Baumhauer 2016. 



… Yeah. Live and learn, we guess.