You and your hymen are never, ever getting back together.

A few years ago, revirginizing was a great way for women to renew their confidence and sexuality, but in 2015, it’s become like a failed attempt to rebrand a 30-year-old Goodwill sweater into season’s must have outerwear.

For the uninitiated or those content with their impurity, revirginizing is a quickly growing trend amongst non-virgins in which they seek a second virginity through prolonged abstinence (ew), prayer, meditation, or even hymen reattachment surgery. For some, the goal is to return to a state of purity, while for others, revirginizing is a way to start your sexual life over from scratch. For those reasons, revirginizing can be very therapeutic, but here’s the problem: it’s being overused. Women everywhere are declaring themselves re-virgins at unprecedented rates, and it’s canceling out the remedial benefits of renewed purity for those who actually need it.

To each their own is our normal mantra, but when people pay five grand to replace their hymen as an anniversary gift, we definitely have to comment.

Here’s why revirginzation just isn’t working for us anymore.

It feels disingenuous

It’s kind of like when someone tells us that they volunteer for fun, absolutely love their new sugar-free diet or that they abstain from drinking because they want to enjoy each experience with their whole mind and body. Good for you, but we know you're lying. You’re not doing that for us, you’re doing it for yourself and to make the rest of us look like hedonistic assholes.

It doesn’t erase former sexcapades

Just because we’re not having sex right now, doesn’t mean we don’t remember what it feels like and how awesome it is, and the same goes for you, and you, and you.

While we may try to transcendentally meditate our virginity back, we'll inevitably drift to memories of that one wild night with that beautiful yoga instructor we met on Tinder who threw us around the bedroom, making Tantric love to us in positions ranging from Extended Side Angle to Crow Pose.

Once we’ve tasted the forbidden fruit we’re just torturing ourselves by going out for drinks with no hope of post date pillow talk.

It's a little different for women who've gone through horrific sexual experiences though. While no one can erase the memory of things like that happening, revirginizing can be a therapeutic way to claim one's sexuality back from themselves and regain control over one's body and mind in the wake of something horrible.

However, we're not talking about that. We're talking about Real Housewives of Blah Blah who're trying to spice things up for their real estate husbands who are probably gay anyway. Moving on.

Masturbating and oral sex are also out

If we’re not having sex with another person we can at least DIY the old birth canal once in a while right? Not if we’re revirginizing. Nothing goes in, only some stuff comes out.

Ladies, we’ll just have to rely on riding our bikes a lot or going to hot tubs with really high-powered jets. Boys, Handgela is starting an early retirement.

It's an all-or-nothing venture and that's just unrealistic

Like alcohol and sugar, one sip/bite of that good stuff will leave you craving more … and if you slip up and taste some, you'rebound to start feeling guilty and like you failed your diet.  

Same thing if we go out and bang someone while we’re on the road to redemption. We’ll feel a lot guiltier the next morning while simultaneously wanting to do it again, which is confusing and painful and a lot of unnecessary negative emotions. No sex is like no coffee, our resolve is bound to break and we’ll guzzle a 32 oz. Americano at some point only to regretfully live on the toilet for the rest of the word day.

We already broke the seal

For us gals, one of the highly memorably, slightly painful portions of our first time is the actual physical part of breaking the barrier. Like a ribbon cutting ceremony or crossing the finish line of a race, once that blockade is busted, it can’t be put back together – unless you want to spend $5K on surgery like these women. The virginity you’re trying to reclaim is not just related to one membrane, but instead is a multifaceted virginity made of past experiences and altered anatomy that you can't truly un-alter.

You’re missing out on all the health benefits of sex

We’re sure to become cranky and irritable without regular sex. It’s mentally and physically beneficial. For years, science has told us that safe sex is healthy, stress relieving, hormone balancing, etc. In fact, women who were horny and had no outlet for pleasure used to undergo periods of what doctors called "hysteria," had had to be regularly masturbated by medical professionals to relieve the psychosis they suffered from.

We can tell when Chelsea hasn’t been getting any because she’s acting like a huge bitch. Let’s do our roommates, friends, and the barista a favor and keep on getting down.

The word “virginity” needs to be redefined

Maybe we attempt to revirginize because it’s the only way we know how to get back to basics. Are we hoping to regain innocence by denying this one simple pleasure because it’s an obvious, tangible link to adulthood, maturity, and a straying from a childlike state? If so, perhaps our focus should shift towards rejecting non-secular notions of innocence and purity and casting aside judgment of female sexuality instead.

Besides ultra-conservative religious groups and the Catholic Church, who cares if we’re virgins or not? No one we’d want to bang.

There are some things in life easier said than done. Re-claim that gym membership, re-claim your 10k jogging goal, re-claim your commitment to not failing a single class this semester, but do us a favor and don’t reclaim your virginity. It’s gone. Embrace the chaos.