Blow off. Not blow.

You tried your hardest to impress her.

You showered, wore your least infuriating shoes, asked her what her family's heritage is because she has such interesting moles, and only half-expected her to go down on you in your car. But despite your earnest efforts, she's mercilessly ghosted you.

But why?

1. Because dudes think they're "playing the game"

The days-long text response. The arbitrary rules about how long you should wait to call someone. Expecting us to be sweet and mysterious when we flirt with you. The pretending you're ambivalent about us even though you're secretly jacking off to our LinkedIn profile.

This is all part of "the game." But we don't want to play your little game. Puke in my hand.

Dating and sex aren't "games" you play, and we're not prizes to be won. We get that you're biologically programmed to enjoy "the chase." But this is 2016. Adapt or die. Chicks are busy. We don't have time for your shit and to put on some elaborate false performance where we pretend to by coy and unavailable until you say or do just the right thing that unlocks the key to our vaginas. Life is not a VH1 reality TV show featuring a host named Spyder that wears eyeliner and a fedora — which is exactly who you remind us of when you play games.

Basically, are we going to fuck or not? Come out and tell us how you feel.

The more honest and vulnerable you are, the less likely we are to change our numbers and move to China in order to avoid your stupid ass.

We can see right through your little game, and if you seem too attached to its rules to be yourself, then bye.

2. Because you fools don't understand the balance between clinginess and distance 

Look, we don't want to to ignore us. We also don't want you to be obsessed with us. To keep our attention, you have to strike a balance between the two. There's a vast spectrum between being attentive and logically distant, and we thrive somewhere in the middle.

If you're too clingy, we feel strangled. If you're too distant, you look like a mute fuckboy who's incapable of connection and you're out.

The best way to get around this when you're getting to know a chick and want to keep her around is to pay attention to how she communicates with you. If she seems like she's feeling verbal and chatty, match her enthusiasm. Show her you're capable of conversation and human connection. Ask her about herself. If she's not responding to you, wait for her to strike up a conversation next time. Great. 

3. Because you have brain damage and if you drink alcohol, your brain will fill with blood and you'll die

One time, I dated a guy, and I really liked him up until the point he told me that his brain would drown in blood if he ever drank alcohol.

Hearing him say that gave me this sick feeling, even though I realize that for some chicks, hearing a dude say he doesn't drink is entirely panty-soaking.

In other words, sometimes there are certain fundamental personality traits or beliefs men have that we just don't connect with. Those traits or beliefs might vibe well with someone else who isn't, and it doesn't mean anything is wrong with said man per se, but usually, we ghost because something about their personality or the chemistry between us just doesn't fit. There's a distinct feeling that "this isn't right," and we get it whenever we think about whatever that something is.

Great news; there's probably nothing you can do about it because it's likely that something is either too minor or difficult to verbalize for her to tell you about it, unless she's ultra-honest, so just keep on keepin' on and cry in the shower.

4. You kiss like a CPR dummy

If you're not getting a call back, it could be because you kiss like an angler fish who just breached the ocean's surface and is drowning in air.

Kissing conveys so much information about sexual chemistry that if the initial makeout isn't cutting it, you basically have to have a yacht for a chick to brave that territory again.

And hey, it might have been her that was the shitty kisser, not you. But still, when one person is the bad one, they'll always blame the other.

Ways you can tell if the kiss was shit: She keeps pulling back. She keeps stopping. There is saliva all over your face. When you thrust your tongue in her mouth, she doesn't reciprocate. She keeps her mouth tightly shut. There's no rhythm. Body parts are getting bitten. Breath smells like death. And so on.

5. We're just not attracted to your face

One time, I started talking to a dude in a coffee shop. We were sitting next to each other, and he was hilarious. We talked for hours, and by the time I had to go, we'd already made plans to hang out. But when he stood up to hug me goodbye, a bomb of misfortune exploded on my face and he was a good two feet shorter than me. His head went up to mid-boob level. The optical illusion was too much and I pure ghosted him on the day we were supposed to meet up. Sorry I'm not sorry.

You just can't help who you are and who you are not attracted to. This dude wasn't unattractive, he was just unattractive to me on account of the fact that I could have put him in a papoose and hung him around my chest like an Eskimo infant.

If you have great chemistry with someone and you can't for the life of you figure out why she left you in the dust, it might be that she's just unimpressed by your particular physicality. Ready yourself for the friend zone, because there's nothing chicks love more than to try to be friends with dudes they blow off.

6. You won't shut up about yourself

Why are you even talking to us if you're just going to talk about yourself? That's why mirrors were invented.

Have a nice life.

7. You're not terribly cultured or anything

If we have to explain to you what MoMA stands for, if you're not sure if Paris is in France or Italy, if you've never heard the word "samosa" or if you write texts and emails like you're jotting down stream of consciousness notes on an ayahuasca spirit journey, we can't. 

You don't have to be a professor of obscure Germanic literature studies to impress us or anything, but if we feel like you've just emerged from decades of cryogenic freezing only to be launched right into current society with a nubile sense of awe, we feel more like mothers to you than people who want to suck your penis.

8. You emailed us your screenplay

It was really bad.