Not everyone was born with the sexual skills and confidence of Don Juan.
But, because sexual confidence is one of the most important factors for having good sex and increasing sex positivity, here are a few tips to help you increase yours. Scroll through, take notes, and thank yourself either now, later or both.
Wait, someone is actually telling you to masturbate? Finally, an excuse!
Becoming an experienced masturbator is essential for sexual confidence because it helps get you in touch with your own pleasure.
Part of what's irresistibly alluring in a sexual partner is their own ability to feel pleasure and express it back to you. But if you're not quite sure what feels good for you personally, and a little foggy about what turns you on, it's a lot harder to radiate confidence that lets your partner know you're in tune with your bod.
So, spend some time turning yourself on. Watch porn, read erotica, lurk on Reddit sub-threads, cruise Craigslist, watch crazy sex scenes in movies, talk to your friends about their experiences, and immerse yourself in whatever cultures of sex and arousal you can. Find out what starts draining the blood from your heart to your dick/girl dick, then listen to that and use it for masturbation material.
When you're masturbating, pay attention to what type of touch feels good. What kind of pressure, speed, finger formation or wetness level do you like? What other conditions need to be met for you to feel comfortable and turned on? Doing this not only familiarizes yourself with your own anatomy, but gives you an idea of what might feel good for someone else.
2. Ask your partner what they want and what feels good
Imagine if there was a miraculous way for you to instantly gain sexual confidence and bask in the knowledge that you're capable of pleasing another human person.
Well, there is. It's called "asking them about it."
Being good in bed is really all about your ability to respond to your partner's body language and verbal communication. So, if you want to increase your own confidence in your abilities, all you have to do is ask them about what they need from you. It might be a particular kind of touch, it might be the fulfillment of a kink or fantasy, or it might be as simple as increasing the level of intimacy between you by talking through it and maintaining eye contact. Whatever it is, it's at the tip of your fingers, and by that we mean tongue because it really is as simple as straight-up asking them if what you're doing feels good.
Too easy. Moving on.
3. Forget about your body image issues for like four to five seconds
If you've gotten to the point where shirts are flying and you're trying to unlock the puzzle that is your partner's pant fly, chances are they already like how you look enough to be doing this with you … or you've won them over with one of the other 1,203,392 attractive parts about you that aren't your looks. Either way, at this stage, it's pretty clear that they want you, and you're not doing them or yourself any favors by demonstrating insecurity about your body.
A huge part of sexual confidence is just that; confidence. It's hugely attractive when someone pays more attention to you in bed than they do themselves and what they look like.
Plus, everyone really does like different things. Loads of people prefer a fuller figure. A lot of girls don't mind or actually enjoy smaller dicks. A huge amount of men love large labias. Don't assume that just because you're uncomfortable with yourself that someone else is too. You could be their version of perfection.
However! If you're with someone who expects you to be a vision of physical perfection, then that's their problem, not yours. It sucks for them that they have such a narrow idea of what's hot, or that they have a hard time getting turned on by things that surprise them. The degree of biological diversity in human specimens is infinite, and if someone's stupid enough to de-bonerize when you don't fit into what they consider to be the top of the bell curve, they're dumb and you don't want to risk perpetuating their gene pool with the potential progeny you might form through your unholy union.
You can go back to being wildly insecure about your labia or mircopeen after you're done getting the shit fucked out of you by a person who either doesn't notice these things, or doesn't care.
4. Sex ed. yourself
Knowledge is confidence, so research the bejeezus out of sex. Anything sexual can be learned and changed with education from responsible sources like reputable websites run by experts, and books written by qualified therapists. And interestingly, research shows that people who read sex articles in magazines are more likely to try new things and be confident in the bedroom.
5. Know that confident people aren't born that way
For every mystically confident man or woman you come across, a less confident and probably even insecure person existed before them. They had to work to earn that confidence, and chances are they were thinking and doing the same things you are now.
There's no need to compare your own confidence to that of others; every person comes with a unique set of experiences that led up to making them the person they are. You don't know what they've been through or what they're dealing with. If you feel they're somehow "better" than you because they're more experienced or confident in bed, know that it's entirely possible they have a basement full of rare tropical iguanas who they call "my realest family." Nobody's perfect.
The only thing that matters is that you're trying to increase your own confidence, not what they're doing with theirs.
You don't have to have a god-body to be confident in bed, but exercising really doesn't hurt. If you want to enhance your body image, get out and exercise. The endorphins and activity will make you feel great, even if you still look like melting pile of plastic bottles. Try new things, get excited about life in general and it will translate to your general thinking and overall feeling.
The best way to get better at sex is to … have more sex. It's the most obvious thing in the world. You don't need to fuck everyone who exhibits a heartbeat, but the more you can sleep with people that meet your needs and standards, the more experience you'll have.
What does experience get you? Moves, baby. The ability to communicate with your partner better. A deeper knowledge of what your own sexual likes and needs. All this adds up to confidence.
8. When all else fails, fake it
"Fake it till you make it” applies as much to sex as it does to careers and personal success, so pretend you’re Angelina Jolie or her husband after dark even when you’re feeling more like Angela Lansbury.
Confidence is your most important tactic for having good sex. Even if it's fake, during sex confidence is so appealing that the feeling you and your partner will get from it will turn you both on.