"We’re sort of in a stagnant naked, smashed boner army-crawl, awkwardly seal-like while essentially just bobbing for p*ssy."

Even when they're giving it their all, there are a few things that run through every guy's head when he goes down on a lady … thoughts that probably explain why he keeps stopping, looking incredulous, then diving back in. There is after all, at least 30 minutes (yeah right) to ponder their own existence while they're down there …

Here's what he's thinking:

A trim job would’ve been nice beforehand …

This is of course a matter of taste, not literally, well, sort of literally. To each their own and all that … Some guys like the fluff and subsequent poignant pheromones–we’ll call them ‘notes’–whereas others prefer the sort of ‘clean plate club’ approach. A little ‘tailoring’ to your audience, if you will, just may be rewarded with a little more gusto than normal …

You're squeezing our brains out of our ears

Encouragement is always nice. The little pat on the head “keep up the good work” is a nice operant reward as we motorboat our way through foreplay; however, the seemingly kneejerk reaction to use our skulls like a Thigh Master as you reach climax can be a little much if not all out claustrophobic in itself.

Just down here planking …

The go-to position is itself a little irksome. We’re sort of in a stagnant naked, smashed boner army-crawl, awkwardly seal-like while essentially just bobbing for pussy. There are alternatives to make this more comfortable, the pillow under her hips, the trusty couch approach, from behind and least we forget the fabled mustache ride…

Contrary to popular belief, our necks don't bend like that

The 45 degree tilt can be a little unbearable after a few minutes. It’s like getting to the cinemas late and sitting in the front row for the entire movie or in this case of short film about an up-close-and-personal POV labia sesh preferably with a happy ending.

I’d like to cuddle you after but I must really wash my face and beard now

Look sex is a pretty down and dirty task in Petri dish terms. If you’re not feeling around, exploring with your hands and tongue you’re probably not doing it right. That being said, no offense, but my face and subsequent beard is literally soggy with ‘the juice’ so if I may, BRB …

Am I as good at this as her ex, or …

Am I as into this as her ex was? It seems like most dudes are super into the whole thing. Is this a myth? A media creation? Or is that just a quote from a Nicholas Cage movie? Actually, yeah, that’s just a line from ‘Weatherman.’ The myth of the salivating cunnilingus male has got to be as overstated if not as outright mythical as the fabled female cum-vampire with an insatiable desire to gobble dongs in the night, right?

Her ex-boyfriend, Raul, was super into it. This is not a myth. I know this. This has been stated. Several times. Often inappropriately. I’ll just continue to do what I’m doing here which is apparently eating pussy and cataloguing the Nick Cage IMDB.

This tastes bad/ amazing

If she just peed … or recently used the facilities as it were, you're essentially lapping up piss. If she's forgone urination in recent memory, it tastes amazing. You just never know.

I am the world's best lover

Look at how she's writhing in pleasure. She's totally into this. This is the stuff dream men are made of and I am her dream man. She's into me enough that she's letting me see the most intimate part of her. This is more intimate than sex. I am the king of intimacy.

Word of my name shall be passed between feminine friends and news of my complete and utter lack of self-interest will spread like butter. All across the land women will know my orgasmic capabilities.

I am a young god …. Oh wait, I came.