Because really, what's your partner gonna do with a box of chocolates other than poo it out? Get them what they really want …

This Valentine’s day, let’s step away from the perishable flowers and perfume that your mom helped you pick out so you can get the stuff your Valentine needs, but is too proud to buy for themselves.

Trunk In My Junk

Trunk In My Junk is the penis-enhancing cup that comes in many colors and for all shapes and sizes (or lack thereof). If your lover often struggles with Costanza-caliber shrinkage, get him this plush, oomph-adding dick helper to give him a third-leg up where and when he needs it most. Buying him this bulge definer doesn’t have to be an attack on his manhood. Just let him know it’s for fear boners, polar bear plunges, or to intimidate other males during territorial battles.


She loves goat cheese but is totally lactose intolerant and won’t admit it. You’re a little tired of her ripping ass in the bedroom without warning. Shreddies, the flatulence-filtering garments, are the perfect gift for both of you to enjoy. They’re somewhat sleek and have gone through rigorous testing and research – poor bastards – so give her this pair of these Zorfle- paneled panties to help diffuse scent and muffle sound. Available in Men’s styles as well.


Although you firmly believe a plethora of body hair is a sign of virility and manliness, you could do without the back-sized shag carpet. As much as you say shaving his back is a nice form of shower sex foreplay, you’re lying. Get your Persian carpet prince the handheld ManGroomer this Valentine’s Day. This is a more than just a personal shaver. It’s a shock absorbent, extreme reach, and swivel-headed powertool that put grooming back into his hands.

Anus-Shaped Belgian Chocolates

You’ve wanted to introduce ass play into the bedroom but haven’t found quite the right way to broach the topic? No problem. These conversation-starting Belgian chocolates are molded to the shape of an anus, meaning you can’t really skirt the anal issue. Fancy huh? This gift is a harkening back to Valetntine’s Days of yesteryear when a guy could get his gal a Whitman’s sampler and call it a day. However, this little gem also combines what all millennials want – expensive frivolity and taboo insinuations.


No more attempted massage foreplay only to be rebuffed because she’s gassy or already asleep. The Moodsign is a nifty gadget that doubles as discreet nightstand décor. By raising its light-up arms you and your partner can indicate that you’re open for business. Instead of attempting to seduce each other over the morning paper, just stick this bad boy on the lazy susan and flip its arm up to encourage the sex.

2-Carat Coffee Mug

After seeing all those #engagement photos on Facebook this past holiday season, she wants a ring. But for you, marriage just isn’t your cup of tea right now – get it? We know, we’re hilarious. You don’t want to offend with a Ring Pop but also don’t want to splurge on a fine piece of jewelry she’ll keep if you break up. This 2-Carat Coffee Mug is a great combo of form and function. It’s sleek, inexpensive, and holds liquid like no other.

Gold-Plated KFC Bone Jewelry

Your first date was at a KFC. You fell in love when she ordered the eight-piece family style for just the two of you. You can always remember that romantic, fluorescent lit night by giving her gold plated KFC Bones to wear around her neck. Totally hip. Also, what’s good enough for Ludacris is good enough for her and you know he’ll be sporting these on his next album cover.

Brief Jerky

To hide those meat curtains. Just kidding gross. But TBH, he’s been on the Paleo diet lately getting his beach body ready, and as such, regular Fruit-by-the Foot style edible undies just won’t cut it. Hello refined sugar. Do you think primitive people plucked dried fruit thongs off trees? They wish. These meat panties tap into both of your most primal desires and double as a tasty treat after you get your sweat on. Bonus: he can rip them off of you like the caveman he secretly aspires to be.

Boob Pillow/Titty Bear

This is really a two part gift for the larger breasted woman. The first is a daytime seat belt cover lovingly called The Titty Bear, which nestles in her cleavage, keeping her seatbelt in a comfortable position. The second was first seen where all great inventions get their start – SkyMall. It is in no way phallic shaped, flesh toned, nor penis sized. This inflatable pillow acts as a wedge, conquering and dividing the breasts to keep them cool and separate while she sleeps.

Take the road less traveled this V-Day. And if your lover isn’t satisfied, most of these come with a money back guarantee. Except the meat panties … for obvious reasons.