"You can't be looking at these hoes."
What was the reason your last relationship ended?
Let us guess: it was hoes.
Statistically speaking, hoes are the cause of 100 percent of relationship failures, yet almost nothing is being done to curtail this problem … until now.
One forward-thinking 8th-grade girl has visualized the end to hoedom by penning this terrifying Terms and Conditions contract for her boyfriend to sign. While it also precludes him from breaking up with her ever or neglecting to feed her regularly, it primarily limits his contacts with them hoes. For example, his only contact with hoes, as per the terms agreed upon, shall henceforth be fist-bumping.
According to Longform’s Matt Linsky, the contract was found in on the floor of the students' classroom. It was then deduced based on the evidence presented that the young woman drafted the contract for her boyfriend, which he signed. Hopefully his lawyer was present, because this contract seems legally binding.
While the contract's pioneering author doesn't specify what constitutes a "hoe" in any sort of legal terminology, we can only guess it refers to the competition: other eighth grade girls. Becky and Megan, if we had to guess.
You get it, domineering 13-year old. You dictate those terms!
We've gotta say, we quite admire this precocious pillar of puberty. She's managed to clearly decree the terms of her own relationship, in writing, leaving nothing to her boyfriend's imagination. He practically has a user's manual for his dearly beloved, one that includes regular, life-sustaining feedings. We can't say we wouldn't be grateful for the same in our own adult relations. Respect.
As for her referring to other girls as "hoes," well, we don't think feminist theory indoctrination takes place until at least high school. So, until then, we're gunning for the boyfriend. Hopefully he doesn't manage to violate the terms of this contract, lest swift and firm justice will be served.
Ah, young love.
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