When I received my first invitation to a sex party, I was terrified. I envisioned primitive scenes of people humping like monkeys in mating season. I pictured a dungeon full of sex slaves being beaten and begging their masters for mercy.

Now that I’ve seen my fair share of orgies, I know which pieces of these fantasies were just my imagination, and which pieces I never could have imagined. I’ve seen how severe social blunders can make things go terribly wrong, and how social competence can make awkward sexual encounters seem effortless.

With the insider knowledge I’ve gained, I created a guide — a sort of “Sex Parties for Dummies.” It’s the how-to manual I wish existed when I first entered the scene. It covers how to get the invitation, how to prepare in advance, what to expect at the party, how to behave, and far more crucially, how not to behave.


It’s not every day that a kinkster offers you an invitation to a night of sexual debauchery. If you don’t keep sexual deviants in your social circle, you’d obviously never stumble onto an invite organically. If you want to get on the guest list, you have to put in the work.

First, find the kink scene in your town. One quick Google search should turn up endless results for BDSM clubs, erotic bath houses, fetish parties and kinky retreats.

In Colorado, for example, the kink community maintains an updated calendar of upcoming events.

When first testing the waters, I used the Colorado calendar to find a "munch” — a casual social gathering of people in the local sex scene. No nudity, no humping, just conversation. Munches are the perfect opportunity to make well-connected friends.

Once I felt comfortable getting naked with these folks, I joined the kinksters at naked yoga. United by the bond of seeing me in the buff, they knew I’d be a safe addition to their sex parties. At last, I’d found my ticket in.


Outfits, fantasies and boundaries are all important parts of getting ready for an orgy.

Some sex parties enforce a dress code of “no street clothes.” This means if you could walk down the street without looking like a hooker, you’re doing it wrong. If such a dress code is required, men and women both should pick out something skimpy from the local sex shop. Think latex, leather or lace.

Keep in mind, it might not matter what you wear at all. If nudity is strongly encouraged, you could waste hours picking out pornographic outfits, only to arrive at the party and rip them off.

Before the party, put together a to-do list of sexual fantasies to explore while you have the opportunity. Do you want to be tied up? Get a spanking? Try a new toy?

It’s also a good idea to draw boundaries in advance. Would you get naked in front of people? Would you have sex while someone is watching? Would you let a stranger touch your genitals? Don’t wait until the night-of to consider the boundaries of your comfort zone.


No, you won’t spend every moment in the throes of hot-and-heavy intercourse. No, you probably won’t end up in a gang bang gurgling 18 people’s sex juices.

In fact, it’s entirely possible you won’t get any action at all. The best way to secure your potential of getting some is to BYOB — as they say — bring your own booty. Someone who’s already consented to screwing you in the past, and is eager to explore the potential of new sexual encounters in a public setting.

Even if you come as a couple, don’t expect sex to happen immediately. There’s a lot of socializing, sipping on drinks and making small talk, before folks start getting down and dirty. This offers everyone some time to size up the other guests — decide who they’d consent to getting freaky in front of, and even who they’d like to join.


Both singles and swinging couples have some tricky territory to navigate when seeking out a new partner at a play party. Just like it is in the real world, propositioning strangers is an art form. And even when it’s done just right, it often ends in rejection.

An obvious but necessary rule #1: don’t be desperate. Acting like a puppy that won’t stop humping someone’s leg — literally or metaphorically — is not a good look.

Next, don’t touch anyone without permission. No light taps on the shoulder. No sitting down right next to someone on the couch.

It might seem counterintuitive, but the boundaries are even stricter at a sex party than at most social gatherings because guests are in an extra vulnerable state. Sex is in the air and on everyone’s minds, so any touch conveys sexual meaning.

Just because someone’s at a sex party, doesn’t mean they’re hot to trot for anyone and everyone in attendance. They might have every intention of getting filthy, but that doesn’t mean they will want to do it with you.

Your first sex party probably isn’t what you envisioned it would be, but it sure beats jerking off at home.

[cover photo Evgeny Bendin via Shutterstock]