People really like to flaunt their single-dom, because they're so i-n-d-e-p-e-n-d-e-n-t or "taking some time for themselves" or whatever, but in reality, being single blows chunks. From the games to the lack of sex to the lack of sex, we're so glad we don't have to deal with that, being that for some reason, everyone in our office is in a relationship … for a reason (we're very smart.) Here's oh, about 40 reasons why being in a relationship is infinitely more gratifying than spooning a body pillow named Heather at night.

People really like to flaunt their single-dom, because they're so i-n-d-e-p-e-n-d-e-n-t or "taking some time for themselves" or whatever, but in reality, being single blows chunks. From the games to the lack of sex to the lack of sex, we're so glad we don't have to deal with that, being that for some reason, everyone in our office is in a relationship … for a reason (we're very smart.)

Here's oh, about 40 reasons why being in a relationship is infinitely more gratifying than spooning a body pillow named Heather at night.

1. You don't have to pretend to enjoy all the "me" time, aka crippling, engulfing loneliness makes things like "bowling with strangers I met on OkCupid" sound enticing.

2. You don't have to wait three dates to get laid. And if you do, you're probably role playing and woo!

3. Weddings don't suck at all because you always have a date and you know the bride and groom's pitiful love pales in comparison to yours.

4. You don't have to go to clubs where Ke$ha plays, which pretty much means there is a god.

5. Quieter bars are way more fun any way. Talking and hearing trumps darting your eyes around nervously and nodding at nothing because you can't hear or see shit in da club.

6. Hooking up with random people is so, so fun but it feels empty and so inflamed, itchy, and swollen after a while.

7. You learn so much about yourself when you're in a relationship, regardless of whether it's a good or bad one. The only thing you learn about yourself when you're single is how far below your league you'll go to get some ass.

8. It makes you stop spending all your money at the bar, lurking until last call, praying that your beer googles kick in before last call.

9. You can go on weirder, more fun dates than you could with someone you just met.

10. If one of you gets pregnant … well … that settles it.

11. You have something to look forward to at the end of the day, something which often involves something kinky. Something that is not the cold glare of a TV playing The Bachelor.

12. Sex with someone you care about = gushing monster orgasm.

13. You don't have to deal with shitty kissers and outlandish sexual proclivities; once you're with someone, it's implied you have a sexual compatibility going on.

14. Sleeping alone is bullshit.

15. You have someone to hang out with when you really, seriously, don't want to go out tonight.

16. You're still young, so while you're committed and off the market, you still don't feel tied down.

17. You get presents from someone on your birthday that aren't bottle-shaped.

18. There are WAY too many fish in the sea … ANd hose fish all look and act the same.

19. You only have to figure out dinner plans 50% of the time.

20. You only have to clean 50% of the time.

21. You only have to shower 50% of the time. And you shave when you want.

22. You've already impressed her family or they're fixing to end your sorry ass. Either way, now you can act like yourself again.

23. Nights alone are exciting and no longer depressing.

24. Sex is now a naturally occurring constant of the universe.

25. Two words: Two incomes.

26. You have nothing in common with anyone under 23.

27. Your parents finally think there's stability in my life. Shit, you finally think there's stability in my life.

28. Because being on Tinder after 30 screams "Felony!"

29. Because the fucking games are over. Thank jeebus the games are over!

30. There's a lot less maintenance worries when you can just let yourself go.

31. An added six lbs. is cute and not an entire deal breaker.

32. Because people are assholes, and meeting more of them doesn't sound like anything you want to be a part of.

33. Group sex means now that you only have to find one instead of two.

34. You don't have to think about opening lines … but if you think of one you can just text it to your person and LOL forever.

35. It's like having a best friend you can fuck … and is always there for you when they're not fucking you.

36. Constant! Brunch! Companion!

37. When you drunk text them, you never regret it. You just frame it.

38. Single people always have to deal with that they don't like me, but I like them, or I like them but they don't like me malarkey.

39. No one sets you up on blind dates like we do at Rooster.

40. Every single song about being lonely was written about you.

41. You never have to make the Sophie's choice between dinner for one or a Hungry Man frozen Salisbury steak.

42. You double your friend group.

43. Some single people marry their cats.

44. Morning sex is as regular as sunrise.

45. You can afford that apartment you wanted when there's two of you, which is really great because your current place is infested with rats and spirits.

46. Having another misanthrope who sympathizes with your extreme weirdness is wonderful beyond words.

47. Free massages. Free back scratches. Free ambulance ride. Airport limo extraordinaire.

48. There's always someone to kill spiders or check for intruders for you.

49. Now your older sibling is the weird, single child. Ha ha, eat it, Tiffany.