It's the most wonderful time of the year; the time when the country's worst sex writers compete head-to-head in a competition to decide who's literary love scene is the biggest insult to the human ability to speak. That's right, it's Literary Review's annual Bad Sex In Fiction Awards. And this years nominees are worse than ever.

It's the most wonderful time of the year; the time when the country's worst sex writers compete head-to-head in a competition to decide who's literary love scene is the biggest insult to the human ability to speak. That's right, it's Literary Review's annual Bad Sex In Fiction Awards. And this years nominees are worse than ever.

The magazine announced its shortlist for this year's prize – whose purpose "is to draw attention to poorly written, perfunctory or redundant passages of sexual description in modern fiction, and to discourage them." … Right on.

So, let's take a look at the list and see who kill be killing your arousal faster than the speed of light.

Her body was hairless. Her pudenda were also entirely devoid of hair. The tips of her inner lips protruded shyly from the vertical cleft. The sweet dew of feminine arousal glistened upon them.
– 'Desert God' by Wilbur Smith

He felt the improbable weight of her eyelash with his own; he kissed the slight, rose-coloured trench that remained from her knicker elastic, running around her belly like the equator line circling the world. As they lost themselves in the circumnavigation of each other, there came from nearby shrill shrieks that ended in a deeper howl.
– 'The Narrow Road to the Deep North' by Richard Flanagan

She comes and comes, waves of hot silk—I grit my teeth and push her off. I bend her over and really give it to her.
– 'Things to Make or Break' by May-Lan Tan

I unbuttoned my pants, pushing them down past my hips, and my beast, finally released from its cage, sprang up wildly. I started inching my way back up, continuing to stimulate her manually, until the beast found its way in.
– 'The Hormone Factory' by Saskia Goldshmidt

Her throat as open as her body, wet everywhere from tears and the coming, and I did hear it, a long high twisting cry and a twisting in my arms as my fingers dove up and up into the full expressive wetness of her.
– 'The Affairs of Others' by Amy Grace Loyd

Her mouth is clean in an herbal way, no herb in particular but that sense of green rampancy.
– 'The Snow Queen' by Michael Cunningham

The winner of the award will be announced on December 3rd. In the meantime, take solace in the fact that anyone, anywhere can become a published author. That could be you up there!