The app takes a photo of you masturbating and demands that you pay up before it sends it to all your contacts. And you thought getting caught by your parents was bad …

The ability to stream porn just about anywhere from your phone has arguably made this world a more bearable place, livening up everything from lunch breaks to the wake of a distant half-relative. However, a new malware porn app is threatening to upend the perfect relationship between porn and phone.

Called Adult Player, the app disguises itself as a regular porn video player so you think you’re safe clicking on it. Then, in a maniacal plot twist, it uses your phone’s front-facing camera to photograph you masturbating, locks your phone on the app screen, and threatens to send the photo to all your contacts unless a ransom is paid through a third party site like PayPal. While the user is flipping through the fake terms and conditions page to try to get this to stop — Did you say Boobs? Agree. Agree. Agree.— the app is activating itself to gain nearly full-control over the device.

Ah, the old mastur’bait and switch.

Rebooting does nothing, because the ransom screen butts in before the launcher and locks the phone up again.

There’s also a variation in the extortion. According to a source, once the photo has been snapped, the user is informed that the FBI is involved. Victims are presented with the message “The FBI knows what you’re up to. They’ve taken your mugshot and they’re going to need you to transfer $500 via PayPal before you can do anything with your phone again.” Talk about being stuck between a rock and a no-longer-hard place.

Of course in reality, the FBI has better things to do than photograph you masturbating, so chances are if you get a message that the country’s largest intelligence agency is zeroing in on your fap session, it’s just Adult Player trying to fuck with your life.

The good news is that the blackmailing malware isn’t very hi-tech, meaning there is a solution if one were to find themselves caught with their pants down. To keep your embarrassing imminent O-face from being used against you, simply reboot the device into ‘safe mode’ at which point individuals can uninstall Adult Player and restore balance in the world.

Tech saving us from tech is officially today’s reason to drink.