We might be going to hell, but we're gonna have a great time getting there … 

If you like to get down with a plastic penis for a little of your own fuzzy tingle times, we say, "get in there." What anyone does in the privacy of their own home is their own business, and people should let their freaky flags fly. 

But if it's one thing that the religious right loves to do, it's tell other people that they're going to hell for doing things. This time, some wack-job is claiming that rubber dicks are basically a slip-n-slide right into Satan's lap. 

Mack Major of Eden Decoded wrote on Facebook that “too many Christian women are losing their salvation because they masturbate.”

“Dildos and all of those other sex toys have been used for thousands of years in demonic sex rituals,” he writes. “It’s one of the main ways ancient pagan societies worshiped their demonic gods.”

Two bouncy weapons of Satan, right there. 

“Many of you who are reading this have sex toys in your possession right now,” he notes. “And whether you want to accept it as fact or not: those sex toys are an open portal between the demonic realm and your own life.”

“There are such things as sex demons. And the danger in masturbating is that one could inadvertently summon a sex demon to attach itself to you through the act of masturbating. And once that demon attaches, it is difficult to get it to leave. It will drive you to masturbate, even when you don’t want to. You’ll be hit with urges to play with yourself so powerful that only an orgasm will allow you some temporary relief.”

Oh Jesus. Thankfully, the Internet doesn't tolerate hateful, anti-jerking rhetoric — predictably firing back with logic and dismissal. 

We're gonna put all of our money ($37) on the bet that he'll have some crazy masturbation scandal crop up soon. For sure.