Fellas, have you ever wished your girlfriend was less of a human and more of a silicon sex toy molded into the shape of a vagina? Sure, a girlfriend offers emotional support, laughs at your terrible jokes, and gives you sexual fulfillment, but she’s got her share of drawbacks, too. The most important of which is she costs money.

Birthday presents, anniversary dinners, her fruity cocktails at the bar. All that shit adds up fast, and can quickly reach a point where the costs exceed the benefits.

Too many men make the decision of tying themselves to a girlfriend based on pure emotion. They don’t carefully consider the alternatives. There are cheaper, low-maintenance options that give you all the same holes to hump at a fraction of the cost.

So we’ve decided to weigh out the pros and cons of a girlfriend versus a fleshlight. We’ve created a quantitative breakdown that puts their costs and benefits in terms of dollars and cents.


Costs: variable costs are rough estimates based on a medium-maintenance lover. Your chick may cost significantly less or significantly more than our calculations. Up-front costs are highest, then ease up as the length of relationship grows longer.

First six months of relationship

  • Drinks at the bar – average $6 per drink, 2 drinks per weekend = $288
  • Dining out – $40 per sit-down meal, 4 meals per month = $960
  • PG dates, such as movies, bowling, mini-golf – $14 per movie ticket, 1 movie per month; $10 per mini golf or bowling player, 2 games total; = $208

Aggregate total: $1,456

Six months to two years

  • Anniversary dinners and gifts – $50 per fancy dinner, 1 dinner every 6 months; $50 per anniversary gift, 1 gift every other month =  $650
  • Birthday presents – $80 average per gift, 2 gifts = $160
  • Christmas presents – $120 on multiple gifts, 2 Christmases = $240
  • Valentine's day – $35 floral arrangement, $15 delivery; Candy and teddy bears $25; 2 Valentine's days = $150

Aggregate total: $1,200

Additional costs not quantified – time taken away from buddies and hobbies, effort spent tending to fragile emotions

Benefits: human companionship, emotional support, sexual fulfillment


Costs: flat rate for product and shipment. Low cost maintenance throughout the lifetime of the toy.

  • Vagina, mouth or butthole fleshlight – $64.95
  • Gentle, nonabrasive cleaning product – $5

Aggregate total: $69.95

Benefits: Offers all the same physical pleasures as a real live woman, without the emotional human attached.

Benefits are nearly impossible to monetize because they’re dependent on each individual. You may not want to assign a dollar value to the happiness your girlfriend or fleshlight brings you. But using our calculations, you can now rationalize your romantic decisions in terms of tangible costs.

Do you value the human companionship, emotional support, and sexual fulfillment of a girlfriend more than you value the $2,656 you’d spend on her within 2 years?

Or would you prefer the same sexual stimulation at a fraction of the cost? If so, all your favorite disembodied body parts — vaginas, mouths, and buttholes – are available in a convenient carrying case for a mere $65.

For an economical man, the answer is simple.