Hooking up: it’s all in the stars … and the first few drinks.

Hooking up: it’s all in the stars … and the first few drinks.

Hello? Yeah, hi. I think your car is blocking my driveway. Yeah, the 2005 Ford Escape Hybrid. Mhmm. Mhmm. Well I have to go to work. No. When can you move it? That’s not gonna work for me. Bitch, I told you to move your car. Okay. Okay. Have a nice day … And, scene. Wonderful! This script is the key that’ll unlock your innermost fantasies, so memorize it well, kid.

Well, the stars have some good news and some bad news for you this month. The good news is that Venus is in your hood, which means your existing relationships will benefit from a period of passion, honesty and true love. The bad news is that you’ll have “Highway to the Danger Zone” stuck in your head and you’ll bop your head to the rhythm frequently and with abandon.

Clitoral stimulation. That’s what some people do in their free time. Anyway, this month, the stars are in a very rare alignment with the moon so that you’re able to sense other people’s moods much better. This means you can pick on subtle signals people are giving you … it’s just too bad that most of those signs are “Turn left at Friend Zone Drive” and “STOP: I’m Not Interested In You.”

This month, ask yourself: “What am I doing that pushes people away? What role do I have in my own unhappiness? What does it have to do with the way I was brought up? What is 2 + 4? How many legs do caterpillars have? Can a dog have babies with a scorpion? What’s the best way to get mustard out of silk? Como te llamas?” You’re sure to find the answers within yourself.

This September, Taurians either find themselves at one of two extremes: complacent in a long term relationship, or constantly flitting between meaningless sexual partners. Regardless of which group you’re in, prepare to be wowed because a rabid nymphomaniac is about to walk into your life and fuck that pattern to smithereens. You’ll take the bait, because you can’t resist anyone whose psychosis is a movie title.

You know how they say horoscopes are bullshit because they could apply to everyone? Well how’s this for a horoscope? Your future will be full of new contacts and you will work towards a goal. You will meet a lover who pleases you between the sheets. Good fortune will come your way as exciting opportunities at work pop up unexpectedly. Who’s the fucking boss now? Say it.

Fighting is a normal part of relationships, and it usually takes you a while to get over an argument. However, this month, fellow water sign Pisces squares up with your sign, giving you the magical ability to forget the conflict and move on. Of course, when the conflict is that you farted in someone’s face while they were you giving you head … it’s easy to “forget” about. Enjoy the faux-Alzheimer’s for now.

Wow, your sex life is off the chain right now. You’re having all kinds of sex with exactly the people you want while the rest of the zodiac just sits back in awe, mouths agape, but nothing’s shafting them because it’s all shafting you. You are a homeless shelter for penises, a Y2K stockpile of dick, an airplane hangar for cock and a 57-story top secret underground storage facility for fleshy wang. Congratulations on the big accomplishment.

You know how you’re just sooooo creative? We’ll this month, the stars ask you to put that aside and embrace your more logistical side. How are you gonna zooma-zoom-zoom-zoom and a poom-poom. Just shake your rump. We know that you’re going to want to zooma-zoom-zoom-zoom and a poom-poom, but just shake your rump.

Last month, we told you you’d be chomped on the neck by some sort of unspecified rabid beast, and we just wanted to continue that conversation by letting you know that since Neptune is conjunct Uranus, that whole zombie takeover thing is canceled indefinitely. Ugh, we know. Lame right? Should’ve made a Facebook invite. Oh well, for now, just focus on going back to school and finishing your degree.

You have a tendency to date people, then pull the ghost maneuver and disappear without telling them why or where you went. This gives them the impression that they did something wrong, and they feel used and get pissed. They have no way of knowing that the reason you vanish is because you have better things to do than date them, so make sure you let them know that it’s entirely their fault and not yours.

If you’re in a relationship right now, it’s going through some serious, rough changes. The good thing is that these will be for the best, but while you’re figuring it out, you’ll feel like someone put your tender heart in a blender, and watched it spin around into a beautiful oblivion. Of course, this is all coming about because you didn’t forward that email chain by midnight like we told you to. So inconsiderate!