Hey guys. It's me, Dear Ibby, your sex advisor who lives inside your computer. Don't do these eight things with a new partner or I'll beat you up.

Hey guys. It's me, Dear Ibby, your sex advisor who lives inside your computer and most definitely does not exist as a real, sentient human being with feelings and a 2005 Ford Escape Hybrid.

I'm just here with another important PSA that doesn't require an entire Dear Ibby column to explain: there are some sex things you should probably hold off on doing with your partner if they're a new face in you coitus dungeon. Here are just a few of of them now!

1. Reenact the sex scene from Ghost

Only because it’s unclear at this point who’s better at pottery and who looks better dressed in a white sheet with eye holes cut out.

2. Look deeply into their eyes just before the brink of orgasm

… Unless you’re trying to get married and live a happy life.

3. Shibari rope bondage

Look, first you meet at Starbucks to sign the liability waiver, and then you string them up from warehouse rafters like a Christmas pig.

4. Missionary

Are you trying to get them to screen your calls or something? Let's not make anyone uncomfortable this early on, now.

5. Show them your "Chest of Secrets"

We all know it's a trash bag full of dildos, okay Amanda? We get it.

6. Standing-up sex

Because it's better to know the person who fell off your dick and fractured a vertebrae. For insurance reasons. Just thinking ahead for you people!

7. Breath play

I don't know your life, but last time a stranger breathed heavily into my crotch, it was a dog, and it was embarrassing. #catperson.

8. Take them to Outback Steakhouse

If you're thinking "Wait, flame-grilled steak and unlimited bread is not a sexual experience," then you're wrong and you need to open up your mind. With all-natural grilled beef and tons of fun appetizers for the whole family to share, it really gets the juices flowing. Try the new coconut crusted shrimp, ha ha!

Of course, OS is a luxury given only to those that earn it. Not for newcomers. Not for you. Not for anyone but the man or woman that truly has your heart … -shaped cockring.

Nice talkin' to you!