Hai guys. This is Dear Ibby. I've broken out of the internet-y confines of my regular Dear Ibby column to bring you this important PSA: Not all porn sex is sex you should be having in your Coachella Polaroid covered apartment bedroom.

Hai guys. This is Dear Ibby. I've broken out of the internet-y confines of my regular Dear Ibby column to bring you this important PSA: Not all porn sex is sex you should be having in your Coachella Polaroid covered apartment bedroom.

One of the most common questions people ask me is whether they should try the stuff they see in porn. I really don't know why they're asking me that, can't they see I have porn to watch?

Anyway, while I absolutely think you should try the shit out porn sex, there are still a few things you might be too nubile and delicate for.

Let's discuss.

Snowballing!

Semen kinda loses its nutritional content after it’s been passed through seven people’s mouths …

Gangbangs!

Harder to organize than a Charles Manson charity marathon … and drier than sand.

Job interview deceptions!

But … I really wanted this IKEA customer service support manager job …

Hentai!

Getting fucked by 52 tentacles and a warlock with a crow on his shoulder is the pits.

Double penetration!

Get the rhythm and position right and you’re a pro … get it wrong, and you’re 100% of people.

Sleep porn!

Rape-level: Just a notch below Genghis Khan. Even when it's consensual … how lazy are you that you can't even be bothered to wake up for sex? You need a coffee, bro?

Medical porn!

Look us in the eyes and tell us you're qualified to offer us medical advice … Yeah, that's what we thought. You can't even pronounce 'speculum.'

Celebrity sex tapes!

Yeah, because who would ever want to have sex with Paris Hilton or Kim Kardashian, amiright …

Pterodactyl porn!

You try finding us a species that isn't on the endangered list.

… Not convinced? Need videographic evidence? Of course you do. You're a product of a hyper-media society. Check out this video to see what porn is like in real life.