Being that he’s too drunk to fuck, he’s probably also too drunk to listen to you tell him he’s too drunk to fuck, so don't do that.

Full Question:

Dear Ibby,
How do I tell my boyfriend that he's too drunk to fuck? When he's wasted, he's always horny but he can never get it up and I end up with a floppy dick in my mouth/hand for way longer than any doctor would recommend. He gets all drunk and frustrated and I just want to go to bed. Any advice on how to tell him he needs to sleep it off without bruising his ego?

Oh my god … that’s so cute that he even tried! That’s his inebriated reptilian instinct telling him you’re fit to mate with. Heartwarming!

Don’t even bother figuring out how to tell him he’s too drunk to fuck, because, being that he’s too drunk to fuck, he’s probably also too drunk to listen to you tell him he’s too drunk to fuck.

The only rational thing to do is get drunk enough yourself that you think that floppy dick is a Beanie Baby and suddenly you love it and now it’s worth $400 on eBay. So what if you end up having to tongue a flaccid weiner for a few seconds? Indulge the poor guy; he’ll be asleep in about 10 seconds anyway. Look at the effort he’s making!

But if squishing a soft dick in your hand is dead last on your List of Things I Should Be Doing, don’t worry — you can use other tactics to dissuade him without bruising his ego. Instead worring about saying the “perfect thing” to him about it, worry about how you can divert his attention. Pretending to be asleep usually does the trick, but you can also go to the bathroom for like 20 minutes and pretend to poo or shave your freak beard; chances are he’ll be asleep, fast under the influence of a syrupy drunken stupor by the time you return. You could always turn on the TV and tell him you'll be right back while you call your grandpa … by the time you come back, I guarantee you he'll be in more R.E.M. than the shitty band R.E.M.

Not working? Ask him a question that stop him in his tracks like, “What would you say if I told you I was pregnant?” or “How would you feel about ordering a nice pizza? Hmm? Papa want a pizza?” Or, "I think that gum I swallowed 17 years ago is finally coming out." Anything that starts a serious conversation, ya know?

I mean, it’s an entirely different story if you don’t want to be hooking up with him at all, or if he doesn’t listen when you say no; that’s rapey, clear as day. If that's the case, firmly tell him no and that you don't want to fuck at all. But it seems like you’re more disappointed that he can’t get it up than reticent to having drunk sex with him because he has no penis power, so I'm not worried about you.

You could always just talk to him about it when you’re sober too, but that would be the mature thing to do and we both know I don’t offer that kind of advice.