Wow, well let me just call them all and ask them. Hold on, m’kay? It’s ringing … “Hello? Yeah, hi, it’s Ibby, I was just wondering if you could tell me how often you masturbate. Oh, really! Yeah, that’s great. OK. Say hi to your mom for me” … Well, I talked to them for you, and it looks like the answer is I don’t fucking know. Some girls masturbate never, some masturbate multiple times a day. There’s such huge variation in rates, that the Internet could barely answer me when I asked it “how many times a week do females masturbate,” but here’s the gist of what I found: Most (48 percent) women masturbate at least once a week. When I was reading over forums about it, it seemed like most ladies rub one out at least three to five times a week. But every girl is different. You don’t see me asking you “How often do guys masturbate,” do you? No, because it would be impossible to know.

What I do know is that masturbation rates decrease when girls are in a relationship, not because they’re so satisfied with their sex lives that they don’t need to, but because being partnered up poses logistical challenges. It’s hard to fuck yourself when you’re sleeping next to a snoring dude who could wake up at any minute and ruin it. Whereas guys can whack off in almost any position, girls are really picky and subjective about the position they’re in, and what they use to do it with. I also know that when girls are bored, they get horny. So, when thinking about how often women get themselves off, it’s helpful to think about each one’s relationship status, physical location and boredom level. When you’re done thinking about that, think about not thinking up questions that I can’t answer with my pea-brain.