Calm the dick down. There's hope for you yet, my child.

Calm the dick down. You’re 26. That’s like being 12. There’s no earthly reason why you should pressure yourself to be in a long-term relationship at this point. Just because you have to suffer through like 47 of your best friends’ dumbass barn weddings each summer doesn’t mean you can’t have that same Pinterest-y song and dance yourself in the near future. My parents got married when they were 36 and 40, respectively …  they’re divorced now, but the point is, they got married and had a 15-year-long relationship when they were old as dust. There’s hope for you yet, my child.

But in the meantime, realize two things.

1.) Just because a relationship lasts a long time doesn’t mean it was successful. Conversely, you can also have a short term relationship that was a success. In fact: all these short-term relationships you’re having now? They’re priming you for something better. With each breakup, you learn something more about yourself, what you need, and what you’re capable of. Not everyone is Long-Term Monogamy Guy and that’s okay.

2.) What you’ve been doing for the last 26 years of your life clearly hasn’t worked. You need to make some monumental changes to yourself and how you operate, because something that you’re doing is screaming “DATE ME FOR LIKE SEVEN WEEKS” to people. Personally, I don’t think that’s bad, but you seem to, so if you want things to change, you have to change yourself.  It’s entirely possible that you’ve just encountered like 30 shitty people in a row in your relationships, but given that it’s a lifelong pattern for you, I’d say it’s probably something up with you.

That’s not to say there’s something wrong with you, just that you have to take a wildly different approach to get wildly different results. My advice? Do everything opposite.