First you have to decide what kind of arrangement you’re looking for because when you finally meet one, you’ve got to be as knowledgeable and up­front about what you need as possible. This isn’t dating; this is rich­-man hunting, so figure out exactly what you’re comfortable giving in return because there’s cash­money at stake here. Rich men don’t have time to fuck around. Some want sex, others want platonic companionship, and a small sect of them just want some arm candy or some bizarre thing where you come over and clean in a mermaid costume.

Once you’ve figured out what dynamic you’re going for, lurk where the rich men are. Cultured, wealthy men who pay for you to get your butt waxed show up at art galleries, museums, race tracks, fancy hotel bars, golf courses, country clubs, spas, coffee shops in nice neighborhoods and, our personal favorite, the Apple store. If you don’t have the balls to strut right up to one and tell him you’ll exchange sex for a trip to Tahiti, then there are only a million sugar daddy dating sites out there. Use the Google. Great.

Now, about attracting them. Sugar daddies aren’t all necessarily looking for a big­-titted blonde chick who looks like she'll be on Real Housewives in 10 years; they’re into all shapes and sizes. That being said, put some effort into your appearance. He’s a gazillionaire, so you have to dress to his level, or at least you do once he pays for you to get out of your prettiest matching sweatsuit.

Once you’ve found and caught a sugar daddy, give him attention. Really listen to what he says, and be conversational. Be there for him, and give him the attention he craves. It’s important to create a strong relationship so you decrease the chance of getting cut off. This involves spending time with him on his terms. If he wants to spend a lot of time with you, you need to set time aside for him. If he begins to feel neglected, chances are he’ll cut you off, and you’ll be frequenting the dollar menu section of Mickey D’s and paying for your own porn subscriptions.

Lastly, don’t get dependent. Sugar daddies pay for you to remove your poisoned boob implants not because they want to date you, but because they don’t want to date you. They know there’s nothing keeping you “together” other than your need for money and their need for non­commital sex or the aforementioned mermaid cleaning. There's a difference between being clingy and available, so just put that in your knowledge sandwich and eat it.

Fuck, this sounds like so much work. Are you sure you don’t want like, a sugar candy or a sugar glider instead?