… Is it a good idea to try to breathe underwater?

I know you're real excited right now, and I know most people are expecting me to praise you for being fun and flirty, but let me crush that for you.

This is a terrible idea.

You're probably thinking "How nice of me. What a sweet idea. I am the world's spiciest girlfriend. Look at me go."

But in thinking that, you've failed to recognize the wants and needs of 66.66666666 percent of the other people involved in this.

A surprise, by definition, is something people can't prepare for. If you haven't talked explicitly with your boyfriend and your female unicorn (the third), then there's no way of knowing whether everyone is comfortable with this. You have no idea what their needs and boundaries are. And going into it without that knowledge can lead to some really awkward results.

What if your boyfriend isn't attracted to the chick? What if the surprise gives him performance anxiety? What if his grandma just died that day? What if his dick feels like burning? What if she starts doing some insane shit like asking you to fist her bum? What if she has no idea what she got herself into and she's timid and unresponsive because she's unsure of the dynamic between you and your boyfriend and she doesn't want to ruin anything? AAAH.

I get that I sound like a Grade A neurotic, but going into something as nuanced as a threesome where there are two other human's feelings and needs to consider isn't something to launch face-first into blindly. Doing spontaneous shit with your boyfriend as a couple is legit because you know each other and what each other needs, but adding a mystery third person skews that dynamic entirely.

Most dudes will walk around acting like at any time, they could take two chicks at once. They're so big and strong and chill! Of course, it's most guy's ultimate fantasy and of course, I'm sure most guys would be flattered and all boner-ed up to have a threesome with you, but the springing of one onto an unsuspecting person shows weird judgment on your part.

In reality, threesomes are something you have to prepare for, especially as a couple.

Before you go into it, talk with your boyfriend and be really clear about what you are/ are not comfortable with. Discuss what your boundaries are, what you'd like the threesome to look like and set up some system for stopping things if they get weird. Once you two discuss exactly what you want it to be like, have this same conversation with your unicorn too. Her needs and desires are equally as important as yours and your boyfriend's, and should be taken into account when you start hooking up. She's getting something out of this too. Same goes for male unicorns participating in MMF threesomes, which is not your situation but … consider the unicorn. CONSIDER IT.

A much better option is to surprise him with the news that you found the right girl. Go to him, tell him you've found someone you think he'd really like and who is down for the terms of the threesome, and let him consider her. Then, if he's interested, you can all three meet up for drinks or meat or extreme rollerblading or whatever the fuck you do, and you can see what happens. You'll find our right away if you guys have chemistry. And, if you go into it with no expectations, there's no compromising the spontaneity you were looking for way back when you were plotting your surprise three-way.

Of course, there are exceptions to this.

If your boyfriend has specifically stated he'd like to be surprised with a threesome regardless of who the unicorn is and what her needs are, and the two of you have discussed the terms and conditions of this, and if said unicorn is into that scenario, then great. Stop reading this and start threesome-ing.

Or, if you're in some kind of poly relationship with a built-in group sex clause, this kind of thing is probably going to be a lot more expected and well-received than if you're coming at it from a monogamous point of view. Typically, people in more open relationships discuss their needs and boundaries at the onset of the relationship in a lot more depth than monogamous couples do, so if you belong to the former group, you and your boyfriend might already know this is something you're both into. But still, won't someone please think of the unicorns?