Expand your definition of "attractive," then go away so I can nap.

Welcome to being alive! Is this your first day on Earth? Let me show you around …

Your situation is something every single person experiences at some point. Our bodies are all like, "I'd fuck me" but there are no penetrative prospects in sight.

Thankfully, there are things you can do, but they take some mental sweat and effort.

If you're that horny and craving the touch of a warm appendage that isn't your own callused hand, you're going to have to expand your definition of what "attractive" is.

That means opening yourself up to new types of people you hadn't considered before.

Maybe that means people who don't fall under the umbrella of what you consider "hot." Maybe it means ditching the idea you have a "type." Maybe it just means looking in places you haven't already looked.

For example, if you've been shying away from online dating, put yourself out there on the e-net. Cast your net as wide as you can. Or, if you've been inundating yourself with Tinder, step out into the sunlight, feel it singe your cells, and venture into IRL conversations. The more you can put yourself outside of your own comfort zone, the more likely you are to encounter new types of people you never knew you wanted inside you. Or outside you. IDK your life.

I think the most important thing here to realize here though is that attraction isn't always physical. Some of the people I've fallen the hardest for have been the furthest thing from attractive; sometimes it's all in their intensity, intelligence or humor. And the people I know who are having the most sex are the ones who are falling for people based more on cerebral qualities than physical ones. In fact, I know this stunningly beautiful goddess woman who's fucking a troll with a micropenis because their mental connection is completely electric. At one point, she looked at him and thought, "This dude is 20,000 leagues under me," but when she realized they were brain soul mates, she felt more fulfilled than she'd had fucking the endless line of GQ models she's been known to entertain.

Of course, this doesn't mean you have to settle and go around pity-fucking people you're not innately interested in. That's stupid. Don't do that.

All it means that if you let go of the notion that attraction is purely physical or that you have a "type," two things will happen.

First, you'll have way, way more options, which you sound like you need.

Second, you'll have a shot at building a mutual attraction on that's based on something deeper than appearance or first impressions. That kind of intellectual connection; the kind you have with a friend or someone you'd actually want to date, is light years more rewarding that one that's based merely on reciprocal hotness.

The best way to open yourself up in this way is to listen to what people are saying and observe how they act rather than passively notice what they look like. Have conversations with people, and get to know them intellectually before you even consider them sexually.

Giving yourself that bit of extra time and space to develop a meaningful connection in the absence of sexual pressure will tell you if they're funny, smart, kind, emotional, or a total fucking machete-wielding psychopath; all important things to know when you're pushing yourself to expand your definition of attractive.

If none of this works for you though, and you still can't find anyone you're attracted to on a physical or intellectual level, don't worry. You don't have to settle for orgasmic deprivation. You're horny, and you need to get off.

So, build an artillery.

Get yourself some sex toys. Spend as much time as makes sense for you watching porn and figuring out what turns you on. Fantasize constantly. Masturbate more than you breathe. After all, sexual repression is not unnecessary, but can be dangerous too.

If you can satiate yourself, you'll be much more relaxed in the real world when it comes to finding an actual partner because you won't be doing it out of desperation. Equip yourself correctly, and you'll soon realize that even if your Tinder date turns out to be a syphilitic turtle breeder, you still have a backup option: the hand you haven't already friction-burned into oblivion.