Asking someone to take advantage of you is tricky, but here's how to do it with tact and diplomacy.

Honestly,  I love sleep sex. It's the ultimate paraphilia for lazy people like me who love the idea of pleasure without expressive performance (most of the time, the "sleeping" person is actually awake and faking immutable slumber). So many people are into it, in fact, that it has its own official science-y name: “somnophilia,” and a devoted cult following that has devised all sorts of ingenious ways to do it right (visit Reddit and you’ll see what I mean).

It’s easy to see why sleep sex is hot. When you’re asleep, your body is relaxed and hypersensitive and your hormones are surging (horniness-boosting testosterone skyrockets during the early morning). Even if you’re not fully asleep, the assumption that you “are” means you can lay there and let the pleasure wash over you without the distraction of reciprocation or worrying about having to perform.

Consensually taking advantage of someone or getting taken advantage of yourself in this way is great when it’s done right, but it’s crucial to make the distinction between sleep sex and rape for anyone who's interested in trying it out.

Sleep sex is a pre-negotiated, consensual act. Boundaries have been set, and the scenario has been discussed and approved by everyone involved. Rape happens when there a lack of consent or the person sleeping is not able to give consent (sleeping).

If you want to explore this with your boyfriend, verbally make this distinction for him. Expressing your interest and utmost permission will help him see that you’re giving him consent, which should help him see that you’re not asking him to assault you. 

Beyond that, go over how far you’re willing to go with the scene with him so he knows you’ve thought about it and this isn’t a whim you’ll both regret later. Under what circumstances can this kind of thing occur? Are you just going to pretend to be sleeping or will you actually be asleep? Are you going to drink or take sedatives to reduce the chance that you wake up? What position will you be in so that he can fondle you and whatnot? Going over all this will help your boyfriend to know how thoughtfully you’ve considered all the angles and possible outcomes, and drive home the consensual aspect of what you're doing. He should know exactly what you want him to do, when, and how.

If it's still weird for him and he's feeling iffy about the topic, ask him if while you were having sex, he'd be okay with you laying still for a few seconds as if you were asleep. If he's comfortable with a short interval of stillness and quiet from you, you can take that time to fantasize that you're asleep without having to bring him all the way into the fantasy, or out of his comfort zone.

But I mean … if the guy’s not down and it feels too weird for him to do things to you when you’re unconscious, then this is one of those things I’d let go and relegate to the realm of mental fantasy. Because it’s one molecule away from rape when it’s done wrong, sleep sex isn’t really something you can half-ass. It’s one of those very fetishistic things you both have to really want to do, and it's absolutely done best when you both know exactly what you're getting into.

I wouldn’t assume he’s “boring” if he doesn’t want to try it at all … just  that he selfishly wants to fuck someone who’s capable of asking whether it’s in yet. Plus, you give terrible head when you’re asleep.