Here's the whole question in its entirety:

Dear Ibby,
When I'm in the men's room, should I wash my hands before I whip out my pecker to take a whiz? From what I understand, you're supposed to wash up after you've touched your pee-pee. But my shlong's not really dirty and it's not like I piss all over my hands when I'm going. On the other hand, if my hand's dirty and I touch my snake, I'll get germs on it. So, wash before or after or both? Does my johnthomas collect germs by itself while it's encased in tightie-whities? If so, should I wear boxers or even go commando?

…Holy shit. Sorry, I just spit out my drink laughing. I have to go change my shirt…Okay I’m back. Where do I even start with you? I’m not sure if I’m qualified to deal with your penis OCD or shockingly frequent use of euphemisms, but I’m sure as shit going to try. First of all, “dirt” is normal. It’s healthy. The “dirt” that lives on your dick is made up of dead skin cells, sweat, bacteria, fibers from your underwear, chemicals from the laundry machine, and bacteria. All that is completely normal.  Your dick and hands are designed to be absolutely covered in bacteria. Some bacteria is healthy. You need it on there; it keeps bad bacteria in check. So if, at any point, your penis is a sterile wasteland, you’re going to be a million more times susceptible to disease. Second. You can’t really fuck your penis up by touching it with dirty hands unless they’re covered in acid or like…ketchup. Anything your hands can handle, your penis can too, except your penis is more sensitive because it has one less layer of skin than your hands. If I was your doctor, I’d tell you the cleanest thing to do would be to wash your hands before and after you pee. But no, I’m your sex columnist, and I’m going to tell you that I don’t give a fuck when you wash your hands because in the grand scheme of things, it’s probably not going to affect your health. But one thing I will tell you, is that when you go into the bathroom, you touch a million things that are infinitely more dangerous than your own dong. The doorknob, the sink handles, the toilet paper thingy. It’s all covered in people’s sneezes, coughs, poop, cum, hair, skin cells, and pee, all things that can theoretically transmit disease. Washing your hands after you pee because you’ve been touching shit in the bathroom will wash that shit off and reduce your chance of infection. And your “johnthomas” (I’m never saying that again) doesn’t really collect germs that aren’t already on your body when it’s in your “tightie-whities” (stop calling them that). Your penis produces a little sweat, and already has bacteria, and some piss drops and possibly microscopic bits of cum and pre-cum get on it, but again, that’s from you, not the outside world. The only thing you can do to ameliorate that is wash it on the regular. It doesn’t matter what type of underwear you wear, the same shit will still happen. But if you go commando, you’re likely to experience a lot more friction and irritation that could lead to an infection if your pants are super tight and scratchy. So don’t do that. Long story short, your penis is a filthy orgy of bacteria and dirt, but it’s supposed to be, so just keep it clean and stop worrying about this shit. Later.