In order to ameliorate the searing depression and pervasive feeling of emptiness from yesterday's loss, the men and women of Broncos nation dramatically upped their porn consumption in an last-ditch effort to numb the pain.
There's nothing like a crushing Super Bowl defeat to spark a little romance between you, your computer screen, and your favorite hand.
Turns out Denverites know all too well what that's like. In order to ameliorate the searing depression and pervasive feeling of emptiness from yesterday's loss, the men and women of Broncos nation dramatically upped their porn consumption in an last-ditch effort to numb the pain.
While pre-game porn consumption in Denver decreased dramatically as people temporarily relinquished their vice-like grips on their genitals in favor for a similar grasp on their remotes, post-game numbers indicate a meteoric 10.8% rise in porn consumption in Denver alone. Look:
Well, we may not have a Lombardi, but we certainly do have a population who isn't afraid to get in touch with their own sexuality. Take that, "Sea Cocks."
The only places in the country that didn't experience a post-game increase in beating off were Seattle and Washington, who respectively saw 17.2 and 11.3 percent lower rates of porn consumption because people were to busy celebrating to remember masturbate.
This suggests that at least in Denver, sadness brought about a profound sense of arousal, as thousands of Bronco fans sought solace from their pain in the sweet, welcoming arms of PornHub's girl-on-girl galleries. Which is weird. But hey, what's important here is that you're not alone. The Broncos nation is right beside you, crying and rubbing one out at the same time.
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