Finally, a Bop-It you can have sex with

“Do you have what it takes to rub on it, suck on it, ride on it, plug on it, and pound on it?!”

So asks the teaser trailer for the “Flick ‘N’ Jerk,” the newest toy to destroy the last shred of childhood innocence you had left. This state-of-the-art gadget looks just like the 1990’s classic Bop-It, except that every fun attachment is now intended to go in or around your genitals.

First, there’s the dildo, a shiny 12-inch shaft to shove anyplace a penis can fit. Then, there’s the vibrator, a pretty pink buzzy buddy perfect for clit stimulation. Next, there’s the butt plug, which is promised to “fit every butthole.” Finally, there’s the “stroker,” a fleshlight for those craving coochie in a can.

If you like to be bossed around in the bedroom or have multiplayer games between the sheets, the Flick ‘N’ Jerk seems like the idealistic solution. However, realists were quick to point out a major shortcoming many of us overlooked in our excitement: it looks near impossible to actually fuck.

The absurd design of the sex toy immediately got us sexual deviants wondering — which positions were necessary so that we (and up to three others) could hump it? If the butt plug was snug in one partner’s asshole, it would become incredibly difficult to mount the dildo, only inches away. Then, try to put a young lady on the vibrator (that is definitely facing the wrong way), and she’s sure to have her ass shoved up against the stroker, where she might kill the vibe of anyone trying to have an intimate moment alone with a plastic tube full of fake pussy.

The mastermind of this extremely flawed design, adult game maker Nutaku, had never created a sex toy before the erotic Bop-It. The company is most known for its pornographic video games, like Pussy Saga and Fap Titans. The transition from virtual sex games to real-world sex games is likely not an easy one, just as it’s never easy to make the switch from a virtual girlfriend to a real-world girlfriend.

Still, we’ve put ourselves on the waitlist for when the Flick ‘N’ Jerk ships. Where there’s a will to force this Frankenstein’s monster of '90s nostalgia into 4 separate orifices, we’ll find a way.