Science is close to pharmaceutical male birth control. So if she's pregnant, it ain't yours. 

For the entirety of humanity, birth control options have been limited to slip-ons, snip-snips, or seventeen children with 'J' names. But now, thanks to a few breakthrough innovations in penis science, mankind is closer than ever to birth control pills for men. And while this doesn't mean men can entirely swear off condoms, it does, in some ways, mean they can swear off condoms.

Here are two of the most arousing prospects for choking off male fertility.


Research Stage: Animal testing.

How it Works: Keeps sperm from reaching maturity.

H2-gamendazole keeps sperm in a permanent state of arrested development, kind of like the one all DMV employees seem like they're in. Normally, premature sperm cells grow a tail and head in the testis, but H2-gamendazole keeps them from doing that and they turn into little mutant blobs. The unfinished spermies are then reabsorbed into the testis, once the man's body realizes it's made a terrible mistake, so they never end up in the semen.

“If there's no sperm, the egg's not going to get fertilized,” says Joseph Tash, a reproductive biologist at the University of Kansas Medical Center, who has been working on the compound for 14 years Almost two years ago, the FDA reviewed the compound and approved it for animal testing, and now the agency wants Tash to investigate any crossover effects on the female body because it's still unclear if the compound remains in the semen and whether that would harm a woman if it ends up in the vagina.

We're having unprotected sex in our heads just thinking about it. Moving on …


Research Stage: Chemical optimization

How it Works: Tricks the body into forgetting how to make sperm

Like you and your sister, the JQ1 molecule was a “happy accident" created by Jay Bradner and his team at Harvard's Dana-Farber Cancer Institute. They had been working on blocking bromodomain proteins, which he describes as “Post-it notes that cells place around the genome to remind them of their identity.” JQ1 blocked a bromodomain in cancer cells, causing them to forget how to be cancer. Great! But the researchers had something more important on their mind … would it also allow keep them from fathering children named "Petey." It sure did. JQ1 also obstructed a testicle-specific bromodomain called BRDT, making the sex cells that would otherwise produce sperm draw a blank about their own behavior.

It's already proven effective in the mouse world. Mice treated with JQ1 can fuck forever without procreating any little mouse babies. Unfortunately, it will be at least several years before the drug is available: Researchers need to find a version of the molecule that works on the testicle protein only, to avoid making a drug that makes your elbows crumble off or something.

So, although these biotechnologies are so close you can practically taste the white powder of them on your tongue, you'll still have to slap a jimmy on that ding-dong if you don't want to change your name to Dad.